how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

hitting a wall

it has been seven + years since he died.  seven years without someone to talk to.

he listened to me.

listened.  it's an important word. 

he listened to what i had to say.  he asked questions.  he made sure he understood what i had to say, what i was feeling, the moods i was in.  he let me talk.

and i listened to him.  i heard what he said and what he didn't say.

we were in each others heads as well as in each others hearts. 

i miss that.  i miss it so much.  it's been so long since i have had him here to talk to.  to feel understood.  to feel heard.

so much has changed.  so many things have happened.  i wish i could talk to him.  i need him so badly.

i am so very tired.  tired in that i could use a week of sleep, but also just life tired.

the world is turning terrible.  i do not like people at all anymore.

there are people that i wish would just stop talking.  they are psychopaths.  they know they are hurting people and they do not care.  it is their belief that they and their agenda matter and everyone else can go away.  but that's what the definition of a psychopath is.

i wish i could shut the world out.  live on a secluded beach and let the world go to Hell around me. but i'll just be there alone, somehow.  someway.

i work a lot.  55 + hours a week.  i am physically exhausted.

i have a lot of chores to do at home that i am so tired yet need to do.

i have so many thoughts i wish to express but i do not trust anyone.  i need him.

physical pain is daily.  both arms with tennis elbow.  my right foot has a hairline fracture.  my left hand has a hairline fracture as well.  my right foot has Achilles tendinitis.  it's been 2 years for the tennis elbow.  3 months for the foot fracture.  10 months for the Achilles tendinitis. and only a week for the fracture in my hand.

i just hurt every day.  and i wish he were here.

i feel like i might explode.  i cry at home a lot.  just break down and sob. 

7 years without someone on my side. 7 years without someone to look for me, wait for me, talk to me, listen to me, sleep next to me.

7 years without my Dragon.

i've hit a wall.  and i'm depresssed.


Judy said...

I think that just the needing and missing is exhausting. This has been a long day for me. Depressed (for no reason), seemed I have waited all day so finally---I can go to bed now. I could say, "I know just how you feel," but I don't. I do understand though. All the political screaming and the constant news on TV, doesn't help our attitude or mood. Blessings to you, Susan.

Anonymous said...

I 'found' you here a year-and-half ago, six month's after my sweetheart of 16 1/2 years, Craig, died suddenly, April 2014. I live alone now in a log cabin in the woods on 8 acres in Georgia, middle of nowhere, convenient to nothing. I want you to know you have helped and inspired me these last 18 months, and there are us 'new' to this 'abiding grief and unrequited loneliness' that have not 'dropped off', moved on, accepted (anything), found our 'new normal'. I send you Easter blessings this overcast, pollen rich spring day-- no better time to pray, albeit, 'half-heartedly', for a miracle (or at least an answer). Tanya

MissBehavingChick said...

It's will be five years since my husband tragically died at 47yrs. I feel just like you do. Unless you have experienced that type of bond, they could understand our loss. We are the few that have been blessed with this type of love that is why our grief is unbearable. For me to be happy was not an option, I felt suffering was my loyalty. I'm doing better but half of my soul died with him. But my prayer to God is to never get over him, never get to the point where I can no longer cry for him. I want to feel his lose forever until I die.

Marcy O'Rourke said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. I worry that you haven't blogged since March 23. Perhaps I'm one of those psychopaths you talk about. But seven years after losing the man you loved is punishing. I took the ring off about a week ago. I seem to be getting arthritis in my fingers or maybe it just doesn't belong on my finger now. Mine is such a weird story. I wouldn't mention it, but only on the chance you might find it distracting. Like you, reading is an obsession for me. Here's the blog I write. I guess I just drew breath long enough to realize I'm a widow today. Reading many widows blogs, but yours really meant a lot to me. I do ask myself how many more tears will there be.

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