how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

still here

i'm still out here.
me and my Furry Beloveds.
we live and i work for us.
our home is tiny and it works for us.
our lives are very small, and that, too, works for us.

7 years, 8 months.
my rings are still on and i make no apologies.
i am still "in love" with him.
when a great many others i have "met" online
have moved into relationships,
i am still "married."
i'm not ready.
i may never be ready,
and i make no apologies.
i am through having people compare me to some random
grief step-by-step guide of where i should be.
i am where i am.
i live how i live and it hurts no one.
not even me.
i still grieve.
i still love him.
i am fine.
i am still out here.