how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Unanswerable Questions

it is a beautiful day here where i live.  the only drawback is there is no ocean near.  i can't walk to the water's edge like i did when my husband was alive.  i find that i'm going a little crazy with the feel of the breeze off the water.  i miss the sand and searching for shells and sand dollars.  i have not enough to look at here in this city.  i guess i could try to photograph the architecture and the lovely trees in bloom but, there is too much city here for me.  yet i've no where else to go right now.

i think when i can financially, i might go visit Tybee Island, consider moving there.  it will be halfway between my children.  i will be beside the ocean.  the drawback is that i will be completely alone.  i don't know a soul there.  i'm rambling.  i want what i cannot have.  i want my husband back.  i want to be in his orbit, included in his excitement for life, surrounded by his sense of adventure.  i want to feel whole again.

i want to know if he still loves me.  i want reassurance that he is able to still think about me without causing any great sorrow.  in Heaven there isn't supposed to be any sorrow.  i don't want him to hurt, but i would like to know if Heaven allows him to still care about me as more than just a child of God.  i want him to still love me as a husband loves his wife, as we loved each other in his life. 

do you ever think of me?
do you wish you knew,
if i was tired or happy or
if i was sad or blue?

do you wonder where i am?
do you wonder who i see?
if i tell you how i worry now
could you send a sign to me?

do you ever ask "what if?"
do you ever want to cry?
if i ever get to Heaven
will i see you or was that our last good bye?

do you ever think of me?
do you say my name?
if i were never there again,
would you "never be the same?"

on this absolutely beautiful day, i am absolutely miserable.  i miss my husband more, not less as time wears on.  i have my okay days but they are not good ones.  and i have my bad, really bad moments.  and they are every day.  my life has fallen down around me and i have sat down to pick up the pieces.  i guess it took an absolutely beautiful day to shine enough light for me to see that not all the pieces are here.


Honyb50 said...

Oh My God-your words echo what I hear in my head.

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