how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

i got to be a mom again today

my children are grown and do not need me every minute of every day like they did before. i know they still need me, but the dynamics have changed. i suffered through the "empty nest." my Dragon was patient, loving, tender, more sensitive and incredible than i ever hoped for.

and my children were understanding and patient with my enduring watching them fly away to their own lives. they call. they write. they visit. the Three Musketeers we were during their childhood survived the transition of the younger Musketeers growing into adulthood.

they have both told me they remember how i put myself in front of them to protect them, and now, it is their turn to protect me. i have leaned on my children; my daughter more since i live near her. "my daughter will be my daughter for the rest our lives." she carts me on my errands. she intervened for me with bulldog tenacity with the dentist drama. a recent explosion with the ex resulted in taking me down to a level i have not been in in a very long time. my daughter found out and she went nuclear. she told her brother and both of them verbally ripped him apart.

but today i got my chance to be a mom again for my daughter. she needed me and i felt like maybe there is a reason for me to still be living.

last night she accidently crushed her finger in her sliding glass doors. they are heavy and slide very easily. i have almost gotten my hand caught. this morning her finger was so swollen and painful she could not move it. her husband had already left for work and she was frightened by how much she hurt.

so she called me! her mom. she came over and we went to urgent care. her finger was not broken but there was a lot of blood collected under the nail. they wanted to relieve the pressure and she was scared. i held her hand and stroked her hair. i talked to her throughout the procedure and talked her through breathing deeply when they pressed the blood out through the hole they made. she cried and squeezed my hand so tightly. it reminded me of so many times when she was a little girl and she came to me crying, wanting me to hold her.

then she felt better. the pain was lessening even as we walked to the car. the pressure of the trapped blood was gone. bandaged and ready to go home and lay down, she drove me back to my place to drop me off. i told her to call me when she was safely home.

when she called, she got teary again on the phone. she was so glad i was close by. she was so glad she could call me. she liked that i could take over and be like i used to be.

i told her no matter what happens in life, no matter how much i hurt over the death of our Dragon, i am her mom. i will always be her mom. if i live into my 90's, i will be able to find the inner reserves to stand up for her and in front of her to protect her. she is my beautiful BabyLove, my wild, gypsy baby. and no matter how old she gets, she and i will always be close. no matter how much she takes on for me in my behalf, she will always need me.

i am her mom. we go way back.


Suddenwidow said...

It's so healing to feel needed. I'm glad you were able to be there for your daughter today. And I love the picture! You're getting braver :)

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post.. Your children are lucky to have you as a mom. I hope your daughter is feeling better.

The one thing I miss, more than anything else... is being the most important person to someone.

judemiller1 said...

What a beautiful picture--brought tears to my eyes. Lovely post, so glad you are near your daughter too. Wonderful that you are still so close.

Beckypdj said...

It's good to be needed. :)

Anonymous said...

I keep coming back and looking at that picture of you and your daughter. I haven't known what to say. I was never honored to find a wife and so no kids. I know what I've missed out on. I also know your Dragon is waiting for you all.

Semper Fi,

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