how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, June 28, 2010

in a heartbeat

two things. one, i found a new song that i like. it is not meant to be a sad song. it has a catchy melody. but put in context here, it is a very melancholy little tune.

two, i finished my opus. the dragons and the full moon. i have 25 of my Dragon's old cotton handkerchiefs. my opus, up there under the blog title, will be the center of the piece i am designing. it has taken me weeks and weeks. i worked on it after i stopped my commission work at 9 every evening. i am happy with it.

i miss him. i feel a longing that wells up inside me at times and i cannot breathe deeply at all. shallow, panting breath and i sob for him. on 8/9 July it will be 17 months.

17 months without our walks to every place we could find,
no cars, no tourists, places only locals knew about,
all along the ocean's edge.......

without his smile,
his teasing,
his arrogance woven with threads of fragility
and hope that i would always love him...
which i do,
which i will.....

without him in every season, especially winters;
i miss him in winter.
his watching over me while we were outside.
the hot showers when we went back inside.
the hot chocolate and snuggling on the sofa against his chest,
in his arms.....

17 months without looking at him when he is unaware of my gaze,
of my studying his form,
his face,
his arms,
his eyes,
his soul.......

17 months without being touched,
without being loved,
without being with my Dragon....

Camp Widow will be a surreal journey. i have my work that i am bringing for the table i am being given. my daughter came over and we worked on my new brochures. new work. new photographs.

i will fly out for San Diego the day after my Dragon's birthday. the day i fly back home will be 18 months, a year and a half since he died. the 11th of August will be our wedding anniversary.

August is my month of Dragon days.

knowing what i know now.....how it would all play out? i would do it again in a heartbeat.

"i would rather have had one breath of his hair,
one kiss of his mouth, one touch of his hand,
than an eternity without it."
~ City of Angels

and

"when they ask me what i liked the best
i'll tell them it was you."
~ City of Angels

i am bringing my opus to Camp Widow. and i'll have this new song in my head.

"silver moons and paper chains,
faded maps and shiny things.
you're my favorite one-man show.
a million different ways to go.

will you fly me away?
take me away with you,
my love..."

if only i could go. if only it were so.

4 comments:

judemiller1 said...

With all your Dragon days in August, I hope Camp Widow fits in there nicely. Your "opus" turned out lovely--such a lot of work. Great job, Friend!!!

Anonymous said...

Hello, my friend. I've been watching. Only your friend up there has left you any words of support so far so I am going to break our little code and leave you my thoughts. First. I love your opus. It's beautiful. I've started looking at the places around town and I don't see anything like what you make. The wife of one of my crewmates is amazed at what you can do.
Second, I like your new song. I know why it appeals to you. It's a song that was probably meant to be playful but here, thinking of you while it plays, I know it's wistful and filled with longing. He loves you. He's waiting for you.
Three, I am sorry you will have to be among strangers for your Dragon days. I hope the friends you're going to meet realize the depth of your pain through that time and are there for you. I know you're nervous about crowds and your hard of hearing problem. Just remember Dragon gave you his strength. You're the Dragoness and if anyone tries to hurt your feelings, know they aren't worth your time. I hope you get some work from being there to help you. I think of you when the moon rises and I've actually broken my talking to God embargo so that you are safe and that Dragon is waiting for you, as you say, "when you close your eyes."

Semper Fi,
Brick

bev said...

I love how your Dragons and Moon opus has turned out. It is just beautiful. You are so incredibly talented. I hope that you have a good time at Camp Widow. I'm sure that your needlework will be much admired. If I weren't so far away, I would have liked to be there this year to meet you, Dan, and a few others. However, being from Canada, I can only be in the states for a limited time each year and will have to wait until winter.

womanNshadows said...

judy, thank you.

Brick, i hope so, too, on all accounts, especially the last one.

Bev, i would have loved to have met you. i would have listened to all your stories.

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