how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Brokedown Bunny

i have pneumonia again. and they say i also have high blood pressure that has gone untreated. i am desperately working on health insurance. i think i can get it through work. i talk to my boss tomorrow evening. please cross your fingers. otherwise i will have to find a plan i can afford before the 30 allotment of pills i do have run out.

desperation. depression. fighting against the choking waves of panic that are ebbing around me. i am scared. i find control. then i am scared again. the battle rages.

i am broken down.

"if i lived closer...."

i have written it to others who are having a hard time. it has been written to me.

i do wish there was some kind of leper colony, some kind of widow{er} community center where a widow{er} can go for help, for conversation, for company. somewhere one can go where they understand you without you having to try and talk through the sobs. where people will hold your hand and comfort you when you are afraid or so lonely you want to crawl in a corner and suck on your hair.

alas, the ones who do talk to me are miles and miles away. i write out what i feel and think here and then hit "publish." and i wait. lonely. pathetic. sad little brokedown Bunny.

i do have a new shirt i made for her. small pleasures. i take them where i can find them.
trying it on she found a little smile.

i'll get the insurance somehow. i'll get the pills. my children and i are working on this together. somehow, whatever will be will be. i'll keep crawling. i'll keep working. i'll keep sewing. but oh, Lord, right now, i am such a broken down Bunny. so lost without him to talk to. so lost without him to comfort me. so lost without him to lean on.

"but oh, the things i learned from her // when sorrow walked with me."

i have learned a lot from all this trouble. i have learned so much.

9 comments:

Sandy said...

I am so sorry you are ill again. I will keep my fingers crossed that you can get health insurance through your work. Take care of yourself and hopefully you will be feeling better soon.

cancerwidow said...

If I could do more than comment here - sending you my thoughts and care and hope - I would. I find it hard now to care about my health. I'm not motivated to live a long life now. Hope you're not feeling the same way, that you get your health back quickly. Hugs.

MandyMy said...

Love and huge hugs from me to you!! I hope you heal up quickly! I have faith that things will all fall into the right place! Hang in there, and keep that beautiful head held high!

Suddenwidow said...

Hope you feel better soon and are able to get health care. Living in Canada it still shocks me to know that people don't have basic health care as a human right. The U.S. really needs to do something about that. Guess that's my political commentary for the day :)

Happy Easter to you and Bunny. I hope you get to have some sweet times over the weekend. If we lived closer....

womanNshadows said...

thank you all. and, me too, "if i lived closer...."

judemiller1 said...

This is so scarey. I know what you are saying. I have basic health insurance, but had none for many years. I have no dental nor vision insurance however and am scheduled to have an expensive root canal next week and need new glasses. What to do, what to do. How to pay for these things? Every now and then my stomach just jumps up into my throat out of fear. Hoping you can get insurance!!!

thelmaz said...

I am sorry you are sick again. Your friends on the internet are all praying for you, me included. Is anyone helping you by bringing food? Is Medicaid a possibility for you?

womanNshadows said...

Judy, you are in my prayers for your root canal. things are so much better with dentistry. i know it will be easier than you expect. keep us posted though.

Thelma, i've worked throughout this entire episode of pneumonia. i cannot take off. but it looks like i can get insurance through work. it looks like it might all work out. fingers crossed. grateful for everything. i take nothing for granted.

thank you all for letting me get this panic off my chest and all your comforting words.

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.

Boo said...

if I lived closer ... indeed.

Fingers crossed for the insurance. Which you should get for being a veteran's widow in my humble opinion ... grrrr.

Love to you

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