how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

the ache that lives inside me

there is an ache that has moved in. it lives inside me now. it will be there until i die.

i have known great pain in my life. i have known terror. i have lived in fear. but i have never had an ache like this. this is the ache of mourning. of grief. of loneliness for only one person. the one person i can never have again in this lifetime.

i say "in this lifetime" because if i did not add that little phrase, i would hyperventilate. i need to see it there. i need to reassure myself that i will see him again. that he is waiting for me....
maybe on the other side of my moon.

i love the moon. all of it's phases. all of the colors it can be. i love the moon. in inconstant moon that is altered and reshaped with the suns capricious whims. inconstant because that is what nature wills. like the death of my Dragon. capricious. what nature willed.

i am missing him so much since Christmas. the downfall of Bunny started with that first cough of that round of pneumonia. and then her birthday, our birthday, hers and mine. then the 2nd year milestone and Valentine's Day ~ the infamous day of hearts for some and funerals for others. and finally the crowning blow. another attack of pneumonia.

Brokedown Bunny. crying a little more these days than before.
the moon, the stars, Bunny and her Dragon. heaven and dragons and bunnies. such an odd companionship. such an odd, odd, image. and yet, for Bunny, for me, the ache that lives in my heart. the pain of searching the moon for a passing shadow of a Dragon. the pain of hoping he is waiting for me, and sometimes, God help me, sometimes being afraid he is not.

the Bun and her Great Sparkly Moon Book. the Bun and her whimsical clothes.

the Bun and her little toy Dragon. if they weren't so cute looking together it could almost make you cry.


judemiller1 said...

Of course Dragon is waiting for you--he is just through that door--just on the other side--waiting and watching and loving you.

thelmaz said...

I know your Dragon is waiting for you.

I was getting worried about you and the pneumonia. I guess you are better. I think being ill makes people more depressed. I hope you're taking it easy.

Boo said...

it's like the remainder of the fog has lifted and now we face the raw pain isn't it?

For me, it is like a hunger that I can't satisfy. No book, no food, no friend can fill up that hunger, and what's worse I keep searching for it (whilst knowing that I can't fill it).

Year two my friend, walking beside you x

womanNshadows said...

hi Judy. thanks for the pep talk/reminder.

Thelma, yeah, the pneumonia is passing. it is taking longer this time but then again i did not take any time away from work to take care of myself.

Boo, year 2, walking beside you, too.

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.

Sandy said...

Of course he is waiting for you. Remember too though, he wants you to be happy until he sees you again. I hope you can find some peace.

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