how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

break for the damned Bun

oh, my gosh. oh, heavens, oh, my. Bunny is slumpy tonight. slumpy, life-tired, exhausted Bunny. see that face? that's the face of a Bun who is damned. damned if she doesn't. damned if she does. what's a Bunny to do?

she saw one of her blog comment and she got a note sent to her. oh, how she trembled and cried a little. Bunny was wrong again.

and now something big has happened to her and she wants to tell it but she is afraid. something in her life has happened and she wants to share it, but she is unsure of herself. it's not about work, nor her health. not about a man. {Bunny just threw up in her mouth a little bit at the thought of that.}

it is about something else, but Bunny feels she needs to think long and hard about how she writes now. she needs to choose her words carefully. last posting, oh, gosh, well, she mucked it up, she guesses. somehow it was taken wrong. she went at length in the comment section of that last posting to explain herself. now she is exhausted and awash in hesitation at trying to write about her news.

how to write it. what words work for everyone. will someone get upset with her? will someone point out her flaws. this is her space but not really. this is not the first time, nor the third time, that Bunny has been gotten after, in a manner of speaking, and speaking, or writing, is what gets Bunny into trouble. she gets misunderstood a lot.

no place for a Bun to write. *sigh* fingers quiver over the keys even now and she is still teary in her blinky blink eyes.

break time. Bunny needs to step away from the keyboard so all hurt feelings are soothed by her excuses and her apologies and hopefully her absence. Facebook, too. Bunny is too strung out from stuff going on. she does not want to, cannot find the strength in herself right now, to risk being seen. it was her strategy with her mother. it was her strategy during her first marriage. be quiet. go about your day unseen. nothing to pick apart if no one sees you. no reason to carve away at Bunny if she is silent.

yes, carefully planned blogs from now on. careful word usage. no more freedom to speak her mind willy nilly. no more stream of consciousness, will nilly Bunny so there will be no more complaints. no more people who get angry with the Bun. she is so tired, so very tired of people getting angry at her for her just writing down what she feels.

eggshells.

dancing on the head of a pin.

all she wanted to do was try and get stuff off her chest, but she is damned. it should be so simple. write what you feel. but it isn't. she is damned if she keeps it all trapped inside eating away at her. she is damned if she writes from her heart to let it out.

so Bunny the damned is going to take a break. she has to decide which side of the "damn" she'll take to communicate with the outside world; the only world Bunny talks to because it's not like she can talk about grief at the "bear store."

she will come back with her newsy news when she is ready and able. she'll come back when she's stopped feeling so bad about her damned self.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

You can never please everyone so please yourself. Your blog is for you. Do not feel bad about your self. And please don't be gone too long.

Dan, in real time. said...

What did I miss? I was without power yesterday, and feel disconnected. I don't quite understand why others feel it necessary to take what you write so personally. Hope your news is good news for yourself.

Dan

thelmaz said...

Oh,Susan. I feel so badly for you. You open yourself up to others in such a profound and honest way and then get shot down. I hate to see you hurting. I hope you'll be back online soon. I'll miss you.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you have been Hirt again. I how you continue to write because it helps you (and it's your blog).

Here is hoping your news is good!

thelmaz said...

Susan, stop by my blog at www.widowsphere.blogspot.com and pick up your Liebster Award. Hugs, Thelma

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