how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

November

it is November. i worked late last night, just me and the manager, getting the store set with all the marketing strategies and merchandize for the coming of Christmas.

Veteran's Weekend is coming. the man who was my husband's spotter has been dead now for almost 11 months. he had kept the stories alive for me, knowing how much i needed them. i find that staring at the closing of the year is maybe one of the reasons i am low. it has been so long since i had anyone to talk to that really knew that side of my Dragon, the Marine Force Recon side of him, the side that was his hero side. and with the death of someone i had leaned on so much for their stories, i realize i will never have any fresh retellings, any little tales i haven't yet heard, ever again.

so while i am still down, suffering the same thoughts and feelings i have been writing about, i have come to realize that redundancy is boring for everyone but the sufferer so with that in mind.............





whose the pretty turkey?
creativity keeps me going. it is my own solitary grief therapy.

i love you, Dragon. i miss you.

2 comments:

judemiller1 said...

I miss the comments from Brick--I think that is who you were writing about. He was a real connection to Dragon--wish I could have heard more of "their" adventures.

3SF said...

We come here because we care about you, so if the message rings of redundancy, we will share in that with you. Hang in there my friend.

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