how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

the impossible dream

i've been struggling.  work, blessed to have it that i am, has been a hard challenge.  my boss only works 6 hours a week but she is very tough.  she admits she does not care about anyone or their feelings.  she admits she probably should not curse me out in public.  she is not a nice person.  difficult to work for and with.  but the blessing is she truly does only put in about 6 hours a week.

she does take the heart out of me, out of Bunny.
 the only people i have in my life who can put it back in are my two children, my two little dogs, and my memories of my Dragon.

i need a new perspective.  grief, life, financial worries, physical pain, sadness; i am wearing out.
i need to look out a window and see something different, well, pretend it's different.
 i need to hold on to my dreams impossible though they are. 
 someday i'll live by the ocean again.  {i won't really but it's my dream to}
it will be a place far removed from anyone else.  i remember how empty the town i lived in with him got when the summer people left.  the few who remained, the ones who lived there year-round truly cared how their neighbors were doing.  after particularly brutal storms it was not at all unusual to see a neighbor snowshoeing over to check if they hadn't seen you out yet to clear off the snow.  or during the summer when the place was jammed packed with careless summer people, we'd see each other and roll our eyes and smile.  because we knew.  summer is fleeting and winter is always just around the corner.  and the storms coming off the North Atlantic drive away everyone away.  only the ones who understand and truly love the austere beauty of such a place stay and embrace the cold, the snow, the wind, and the ocean.

my impossible dreams.  to stop just surviving but to find a way to live again.
i work very hard and i am struggling to make it.  there has to be a way, or a time for me to do more than just get by.

"and still i dream he'll come to me
that we will live the years together
but there are dreams that cannot be
and there are storms we cannot weather

i had a dream my life would be
so different from this hell i'm living
so different now from what it seemed
now life has killed the dream i dreamed.

i need my dreams back and i need to hold on to them with everything i've got left inside me.
i want things:
a new pair of sneakers that will be better for my feet to work those 12 hours days.
a new mattress.  the one i am using is 20 years old and was given to me because the woman was throwing it out.
a new lamp to sew by.

i want courage.
i want to breathe deeply and not shudder out a sob that cancels the breathe.

and i want to be able to go to the ocean again someday.
i want to have a long weekend with no worries, only sun, sand, and salt water.
i don't want to lose myself.  i don't want to feel this way.
i need to toughen up and keep going,
but i also need to try and find a way to live a little.
try to smile a genuine smile.

i need to help myself because i honestly don't know where to find help around here.
my ability to trust has been greatly damaged.
i had hoped to find someone vested in my well being.
i have nothing left inside me to give anyone at this time.
i am so low that i need all of what i've got to keep myself going so
that i can find a way out of this darkness.
i don't know which way to go but sitting down won't get me anywhere.

i need to hold on to my impossible dreams and use it for strength, release from reality for a little while each day, and for the courage to face more of that reality tomorrow.

i miss him.  i want him.  i need him.  he made me better but i was only better, i was only good when i was with him.  i was only strong with him.  i was only visible when i was with him.  without him, there is not much of me.  without him, i am not interesting to know. 

impossible dreams.
1. live by the ocean.  2. see him again.  3. not be scared.
4. just be safe. 5. have enough to eat.


judemiller1 said...

How strange--entirely different women and yet--we have the same dreams and know they are impossible. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

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