the impossible dream

i've been struggling.  work, blessed to have it that i am, has been a hard challenge.  my boss only works 6 hours a week but she is very tough.  she admits she does not care about anyone or their feelings.  she admits she probably should not curse me out in public.  she is not a nice person.  difficult to work for and with.  but the blessing is she truly does only put in about 6 hours a week.

she does take the heart out of me, out of Bunny.

 the only people i have in my life who can put it back in are my two children, my two little dogs, and my memories of my Dragon.

i need a new perspective.  grief, life, financial worries, physical pain, sadness; i am wearing out.

i need to look out a window and see something different, well, pretend it's different.

 i need to hold on to my dreams impossible though they are. 

 someday i'll live by the ocean again.  {i won't really but it's my dream to}

it will be a place far removed from anyone else.  i remember how empty the town i lived in with him got when the summer people left.  the few who remained, the ones who lived there year-round truly cared how their neighbors were doing.  after particularly brutal storms it was not at all unusual to see a neighbor snowshoeing over to check if they hadn't seen you out yet to clear off the snow.  or during the summer when the place was jammed packed with careless summer people, we'd see each other and roll our eyes and smile.  because we knew.  summer is fleeting and winter is always just around the corner.  and the storms coming off the North Atlantic drive away everyone away.  only the ones who understand and truly love the austere beauty of such a place stay and embrace the cold, the snow, the wind, and the ocean.

my impossible dreams.  to stop just surviving but to find a way to live again.

i work very hard and i am struggling to make it.  there has to be a way, or a time for me to do more than just get by.

"and still i dream he'll come to me
that we will live the years together
but there are dreams that cannot be
and there are storms we cannot weather

i had a dream my life would be
so different from this hell i'm living
so different now from what it seemed
now life has killed the dream i dreamed.

i need my dreams back and i need to hold on to them with everything i've got left inside me.

i want things:

a new pair of sneakers that will be better for my feet to work those 12 hours days.

a new mattress.  the one i am using is 20 years old and was given to me because the woman was throwing it out.

a new lamp to sew by.

i want courage.

i want to breathe deeply and not shudder out a sob that cancels the breathe.

and i want to be able to go to the ocean again someday.

i want to have a long weekend with no worries, only sun, sand, and salt water.

i don't want to lose myself.  i don't want to feel this way.

i need to toughen up and keep going,

but i also need to try and find a way to live a little.

try to smile a genuine smile.

i need to help myself because i honestly don't know where to find help around here.

my ability to trust has been greatly damaged.

i had hoped to find someone vested in my well being.

i have nothing left inside me to give anyone at this time.

i am so low that i need all of what i've got to keep myself going so

that i can find a way out of this darkness.

i don't know which way to go but sitting down won't get me anywhere.

i need to hold on to my impossible dreams and use it for strength, release from reality for a little while each day, and for the courage to face more of that reality tomorrow.

i miss him.  i want him.  i need him.  he made me better but i was only better, i was only good when i was with him.  i was only strong with him.  i was only visible when i was with him.  without him, there is not much of me.  without him, i am not interesting to know. 

impossible dreams.

1. live by the ocean.  2. see him again.  3. not be scared.

4. just be safe. 5. have enough to eat.

Match.com

looking for someone to spend a lifetime with. i do not require you to be honest or good or faithful. i merely require you to be present in the moment, to be here with me. i do not care what you look like or what your faith, ideals, or morals are. i just want you to pay attention to me. i am beautiful and i am ugly. i can be perfect for you and then callously turn on you in the turn of a phrase or the gasp of the last breath of someone you love. my name is Life and you are the lucky soul born into one, your own, the one that you will cling to and sometimes, often regretfully, wish away.

i have things that recommend me. my landscapes and seascapes are beautiful. the smell of a coming thunderstorm, the taste of snowflakes on your tongue, the warmth of a sudden winter sun breaking through clouds, and the coolness of diving into the pool, or the ocean on a hot summer day. the excitement of finding the perfect "frippery" during a shopping trip or the awe in seeing the perfect sand dollar on a long and lonely stretch of sandy beach. i can give you the sight of a full moon rising and the majesty of a sunrise, all while standing with your soul mate.

my lovers perform for me. art ~ drawings, photography, stained glass, wood cuts, embroidery, paintings, sculpture, music, lyrics, dance, writing; all to honor me, and love ~ Life, my friend. Life.

i offer much that makes you curse me. i can give you the slow decline and eventual death from disease or i can make it quick and painful and harsh ~ car crash, sudden heart attack. i can also sit back and watch you do it to yourselves and never blink an eye much less interfere ~ war, murder, all based on greed and avarice.

hop on the swing Life and rise high towards the clouds. swing back and stare at the earth below your feet and ponder the thought of falling and hitting the dirt, hard. but then work for it, pump your legs and swing high again, always reaching for the sky, always searching for a glimpse of Heaven. because, if you don't work for it, your swing will never take you as high as you might be allowed to go.

you will have it all with me. ride the magnificent ride of true love where all your senses feel sharper, more alive than they ever will during your lifetime. feel the immense joy of having a child and know the happiness of teaching, of passing down a tradition, a legacy. see the world through their eyes and welcome all the smiles you can. hold those smiles close, hang on the all the collected moments of joy that you can and cherish them because i promise you, i will most certainly give you a taste of Hell on earth. i will take them from you and you will suffer. i will give you poverty and humiliation and insignificance. i want you to truly know immense joy and intense pain. you need to embrace the grief for as long as it will last for you because what i took from you deserves to be mourned. you had it all and i took it all away and i did it without a care or concern for what it did to you. by the time i am through with you, hopefully you will have become wise, caring, empathic, and earned the peace you have journeyed so long, or, depending upon your lifeline, so short, to find. you will deserve the peace you have fought for.
i am Life and the experience is not to be missed. i am waiting to hear from you.

22 months ~ i pine for you

another round of nightmares last night. so awful to keep doing night after night. what the h*ll is up with this? i have no idea why unless in talking to the Matriarch of Grief and Joy doors to the bad things i have worked all my life to keep closed are being flung open. maybe facing what i have never talked about will make me stronger. who knows anymore. but it feels a little like what i imagine cutting myself would be like to talk about this stuff. the sting of it is powerfully hurtful and yet, now someone knows what happened to me.

it has enhanced my pain, and my creativity. i am afraid to go to sleep sometimes so i keep working. i have lost some more weight. but it has also allowed me to see that someone can be in my corner even if only symbolically. there is no one to really be there for me, not like him. ahh, but he was and is worth all of this terror and sorrow.

22 months at 12:03 AM. i read that Elizabeth Edwards had died. then i read the comments to the story. so many had so much to say, but one anonymous commenter simply wrote: at last she can rest.

understated and perfect. it made me weep. it is what i pray for every morning and every night for my Dragon. i offer up my physical and emotional and spiritual pain along with my terror and fears and worries and grief and anxiety and desolation and......let's see, have i forgotten anything? oh, yeah, my self-worthlessness. i offer up all that so that my Dragon is given the boon of Heaven. and if he is there, i ask that all that i offer be given to someone else who has no one praying for them.

i want him to be at peace. i want him to be happy. i also want him to be waiting for me but that we the previous posting. beach. drawing in the sand. waiting on his Beach Bunny.

sigh. he was so pretty.

i love this man. every moment i got to spend with him is worth all this pain and sorrow and fear and worry.

22 months gone from me. i love you. i pine for you. i am miserable without you. life is so hard.