how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

the bad thing happened

i happened today.  i was called to a meeting.  they are closing my store.

the silver lining is that they want me to move back to the store i trained in; the one that is 5 minutes from my apartment.  i will be making $2 an hour less, dropping down in health benefits but still keeping some.  it all happens on April 25th.

i have already started looking for another part time job so that i can get back that 40 hour work week.  going to try to get something so much closer to the apartment.  no more 35 minute drives to work.  just 5 minutes up the road to the mall, or some shop close by.

please wish me luck.  i need it.  i cried all day.  i asked for it off, paid, so that i could grieve over this and get myself regrouped to face the upcoming fall out of putting up signs in my store that we're closing.

this has hit me so hard.  my daughter is sort of happy since i have been so very stressed.  it has damaged my health to be so stressed.  i hope everything works out for me.  i hope i get lucky and find another little job.

i'm a little bit happy to be going back to my old store.  it is so very close.  God, i missed being so close to home.  that drive was killing me financially with gas going up to $4 a gal, plus the exhaustion of working so long and then having that long drive back so late at night.  now if i can just find another position somewhere.  two part time jobs.  i'm not over-qualified so maybe i'll have a chance.

please wish me luck.  i need it.

i wish i could talk to him.  he had been in tight jams before.  he was such a survivor, well, until he didn't survive the heart attack.  i have to be honest and say i have been worried about myself, about the way i've been feeling physically.  i'm so tired and my back and neck burn and ache, and it sometimes goes into my armpit.  my blood pressure has been good and i take all my meds.  i pray, meditate, talk to ...... let's just call it prayer.  i'm trying to hard to be worthy of better luck in this life and then be worthy of peace and safety in the next.

but i am just so broken.
right now, tonight, i am terrified, filled with stress and worry,
and am having a hard time holding onto hope.

it's taking all i have left to keep going.


Melissa said...

I really wish there was something I could say or do to make things easier for you Dear Soul...I read your blog often, your words are such poetry. I am sorry that life has been so unkind to you the past few years. Know that there are others out here thinking of you, ok? Keep your chin up!

judemiller1 said...

The pain is scary--neck into back, down shoulder into arm--arm going numb. Burning. I couldn't afford to have it taken care of, so--you and I, we just keep going forward and if it is bad--I hope it happens quickly like it did for Dragon and Fred!! Glad you are going to be closer to home--sorry about the drop in pay--praying you find another job in a nice little store that would be fun.

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