panic attack. i am in the middle of one at this very moment. i cannot get my breath. my chest hurts. i cannot stop crying. i feel like i'm having a heart attack. maybe it would be for the best if i did. slamming pain into the chest and then gone like he was. then all this fear and worry would be over.
i am so very scared and my typing that for you, whoever, to read; it doesn't have the impact that it does for me. this overwhelming fear that is dragging me down into this abyss. i've interviewed for two jobs and am waiting to hear back. i think, i believe, i have a chance at both; one more than the other, but the waiting is killing me.
i need to know i have a job that i can transition into. i need to survive.
there are all these quotes about finding your happiness inside yourself. there are all these sayings about living rather than just existing. living. existing. those are so far out of my reach.
i just want to survive.
where is my Dragon when i need him?
"it is darkest before the dawn." screw you whoever said that. what if there will never be a dawn? what if there was a child born on a Thursday - and it all came true? "Thursday's child has far to go."
what if, for some children, dawn never comes.
how did i get here?
my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.