how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Thursday's child

panic attack.  i am in the middle of one at this very moment.  i cannot get my breath.  my chest hurts.  i cannot stop crying.  i feel like i'm having a heart attack.  maybe it would be for the best if i did.  slamming pain into the chest and then gone like he was.  then all this fear and worry would be over.

i am so very scared and my typing that for you, whoever, to read; it doesn't have the impact that it does for me.  this overwhelming fear that is dragging me down into this abyss.  i've interviewed for two jobs and am waiting to hear back.  i think, i believe, i have a chance at both; one more than the other, but the waiting is killing me.

i need to know i have a job that i can transition into.  i need to survive.

there are all these quotes about finding your happiness inside yourself.  there are all these sayings about living rather than just existing.  living.  existing.  those are so far out of my reach.

i just want to survive.

where is my Dragon when i need him?

"it is darkest before the dawn." screw you whoever said that.  what if there will never be a dawn?  what if there was a child born on a Thursday - and it all came true?  "Thursday's child has far to go."

what if, for some children, dawn never comes.

4 comments:

judemiller1 said...

Tuesday's child is full of grace--which you have in abundance!!!Some would think death is the worse thing to happen--personally, I think going on in life is far worse. Death means peace, no worries, sunshine--I often wish it would come so I could have peace, no worries, sunshine.

Anonymous said...

Oh God how it hurts. I just want to run away away - there is nothing left to live for - my children have left - all grown up and independent.
I lost my job (retrenched) and I have lost my reason for being - it is 6 years later, will it ever stop?

abandonedsouls said...

Judy, death will come when it will. i guess we have to see what we can make with what little we are given.

Anonymous, i can commiserate with how much it hurts. i'm sorry you lost your job. i hope you have a way to keep a roof over your head and food in your body. 6 years. long and not. will it ever stop? if i had the answer i would not be here. but i do know you need to keep going. never quit. your children may be all grown up but they still want you, i'm sure. they want you to find your way just as i am trying to find mine.

grieve and vent and rage against the fate that has us in it's thralls but never give up. i am trying to find my laugh again, even if it's a bit dark. "against the force of laughter nothing can stand." ~ Twain.

i wish you both peace.

Susan Kent said...

I understand the stress over finances. still dealing with the loss of my partner in December 2010, and the grief is quite enough to deal with, but having to constantly worry about money makes it hard to keep going at times. I finally turned a corner about 6 months ago, and finances have started improving. I'm dealing with possible foreclosure and bankruptcy, but working as much as possible and just trying to hang on. Don't give up; you are not alone! Hang in there.

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