how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Bunny's boob squishing/boho baby shopping/friend day

today, Bunny's mom had a day off from work.  workity work work.  stressity stress stress.  that's all Bunny sees from her mommy these days.  but today?  today was different.  Bunny and her mom had a day off.  {pssst.  tomorrow, too!}

today Bunny's mom had her first mammogram since her Dragon died.  such worry.  we girls all know that the waiting is the hard part.  are we okay?  oh, Lordy Lord but Bunny and her mom worry.  it's like a hobby with them.  some people collect stamps.  Bunny and her mom worry.  

but Bunny and her mom have something new in their life.
something very important.
Bunny and her mom have a friend.

Bunny took that first step and asked her daughter's mother-in-law if she would go with her to get her boobs squished.  that's what Bunny's mom calls a mammogram.  and she said yes!  Sherri.  that's her name; the name of Bunny/mom's new friend.  

it's nice when family becomes friends. or friends become family.
so photos were taken today to commemorate this lovely day.

here is Bunny/mom checking in for her appointment.  she how fuzzy Bunny looks in the photo?  her mommy had trembly hands.
 Bunny picked up a pamphlet to read up on boob squishing/mammograms so that she knew, when her mom went "into the room" what they were doing and why.
knowledge is truly power.
and while knowledge is power, there is also something to be said for comfort.
Bunny/mom had a friend with them today.  Sherri.  maybe she knows; maybe she only has an inkling of what her being there meant to them.
see, Dragon was Bunny/mom's go-to person.  he was the voice of reason in an insane world where things can go wrong at the drop of a hat.
"but i feel fine!"  how many times has doctor heard that after he/she has had to deliver soul shattering news?
Dragon did the self breast exams for Bunny's mom.  he was the one who did it for her.  who would know better?  who would be more thorough?  more conscientious?
these are times when Bunny/mom misses him so much.  the empty hole he left.  i mean, it's almost been 4 1/2 years and this is something that Bunny/mom has just now thought of.  we finally have insurance and it's preventative care.  yet Bunny/mom hasn't thought of it until now.
Dragon used to help her check her boobs.  Dragon would go to doctor visits with to help her ask, to help her hear and interpret what the doctor had to say.  through all of it, Dragon was there.
until he wasn't anymore.

Sherri being there was so very important.  someone knew this appointment was scarey.  someone knew that Bunny/mom needed a companion.
Sherri was glad to be there.
see that word?  glad?  important word.
you know that Bunny and her mom choose their words carefully and with intent.
glad to be there.  as opposed to grudgingly.  as opposed to disinterested.  as opposed to obligatory.
Sherri and Bunny and mom were a little tribe of women who were a the boob squishing place and who understood the depth of the awe that place can inspire.  and the worry. 
 Sherri and Bunny couldn't go into the actual room but Bunny did go to the changing room with her mom.  and there she waited.  she sat with her mom's shirt and her Brown Scapular.
her mom wears the Scapular because it is a devotional to Mary and makes her mom feel closer to the Blessed Mother.  sometimes it's nice to have another woman to talk to, you know?  Mary was a woman who had to make tough decisions, shouldered the honor of bearing the Son of God, and suffered great sorrows.  no one knows, until now i guess, that Bunny's mom wears a Scapular.  she always has ever since she converted.  anyway, Bunny talked to Mary while her mom was getting her boobs squished.  it gave Bunny comfort.
 after the appointment, Bunny, her mom, and Sherri went to look at, what else, baby stuff for the little boho baby coming their way.
Bunny did all the investigating while her mom and Sherri looked one.  see, Bunny is small enough that she was the "tester" of the products.  all grammas are notoriously picky about what their grandchildren sit in, sleep in, ride in, etc., etc.

here Bunny is checking out the crib that is the top favorite.
looks pretty good from Bunny's point of view.
 strollers were next.  nothing too fancy.  nothing gilded or encrusted.  boho baby will mostly be an "in arms baby but you have to have a stroller.  Bunny thought this one was perfect.  great color, too.  solid wheels for those times when boho baby might want to go "off roading."
 Bunny saw a bear and, of course, had to say "hi."
 Bunny and mom and Sherri all went to Bye Bye Baby where everyone, literally everyone was wonderful.  they met, talked with, learned from, and laughed with Shawna who was so great.  Bunny wanted her photo taken with Shawna.  i mean, what greater job than to help soon-to-be moms, new moms, and almost grammas with all the latest and newest baby stuff!
so thank you Shawna for being so cool, and for letting Bunny get her picture taken with you.
p.s. we saw stuff we love love love and we'll be back with our preggers girl in tow.
there are some "must haves" for our boho baby at Bye Bye Baby.
 like this awesome drying rack!! how "green"is this?!!?  Bunny loves it!  now if we can only decide on the colors of the flowers.
 Bunny tried out this, what Bunny thought of as the "zen baby melodic relaxing pod."
Bunny could have napped right then and there but she was introduced to the......
 4moms mamaroo plush baby swing!!!!  freakin awesome!!!  it's like an amusement park ride for boho baby!
it bounces, it sways, it makes circular motions all with music!!  Bunny had to have a ride.  she love love loved it!  she wants one for our boho baby so she can have a ride whenever she visits/babysits/takes over.

all in all, a lovely morning and early afternoon.  after the girls all got back to Bunny/mom's place, the girls all sat and talked.  they talked family. they talked sex.  {yes, Bunny said sex.}  they talked religion.  it was deep.  it was funny.  there were a couple of tears but it was wonderful.
just quiet yourself and imagine this.
someone to talk to.
a woman.  a friend.  someone of like mind yet diverse opinions.
someone who sees your pain and accepts how you are dealing/living with it.
imagine this.
a friend.

thank you women at the boob squishing place for accepting Bunny wanting pictures for her blog.
thank you, Shawna and Bye Bye Baby for being wonderful and having such fun products.
{shhh Bunny.  the mamaroo is something we'll have to talk about later.  it's rated $$$$$}

and a most heartfelt thank you to Sherri who would say, "don't thank me.  i loved it."
but thank yous should always be said.  yes, out of politeness, but most of all
to those we love and want in our lives.  they always should know how much we appreciate them.
it's the little things that we should acknowledge because sometimes it's the little things that cost and mean so much.

now, Bunny must go sew.


Judy said...

I AM SO HAPPY!!!!! and hopefully with the new grand babe to share, Bunny's Mom and the other Mom can be friends forever!!!
P.S. The newer digital mammograms aren't so bad, are they?

Lonesome Dove said...

It is so very nice to both see you and mostly, hear of your wonderful day and new friend! How exciting your daughter and son-in-law are expecting! A new, very lovely, addition on your journey. [HUGS]

Anonymous said...

I love this, Susan! What a great day we had! Your wonderful narrative reminds me of all the fun and laughter we had. I'm so happy to be friend' s with you and Bunny and I can't wait for our next adventure. I hope its soon! AND...I thank YOU!


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