how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

time

it's been awhile since i've written.  i've been busy working two stores, worrying about things, sewing the last Memory Quilt i'll ever make for a stranger, sewing for my daughter's baby who is due at Christmas, and simply trying to get by.

i got my mammogram results.  i'm good. that was nice to know.
i was supposed to have a routine colonoscopy done yesterday but ........ ,
and i truly hate to type this ...
again,
i've got pneumonia.
*very small sigh since i can't catch my breath too well at the moment*

i lay propped up in bed at night and i think too much.
i did have a dream the night before i found out how sick i was.
i dreamed i was drowning.  i was choking.
i was clutching my throat and my chest.
in my dream, this horrific dream of drowning,
i was in bed.  not in or near nor could i see 
any water.

all of it was in my lungs.

when they said that word ~ pneumonia ~ i closed my eyes and tears fell.

life is cold and aloof.
life has no emotions nor does it concern itself with individuals.
it simply is the passing of time.
people talk about how the life of a person can be measured.
mine will be measured, it seems, by the use of and number of humidifiers i go through
just so i can breathe; try to open up my lungs.

i hope my life is not measured.
i hope, when i pass, that it is me who is examined.
not my life.
me, the person me.
i saw a passage in a book.
"i am more than my wallet."
 and i am.
i am a nice person.
i am trying so hard to remember that when people are mean.
 
 the above is true.
food on the table.
i let myself get hungry.
i paid my bills and did not alert my children that i did not have enough to eat.
because i thought i could last until my next paycheck on dry cereal, toast,
and tea.
i could not.
my job has too much physical labor.
i got dizzy at work and almost passed out two days in a row.
it broke me.  i got scared.  so i called my son who sent me money for food.
until it could arrive 12 hours later {he transferred it from his account into mine}
my daughter came up with bags of food for me to eat right then.
both were so upset with me and with good reason.
i didn't ask for help.  i was too embarrassed.
but i was grateful and thankful
and promised i would never let that happen again.
they got angry because they love me and i put my health in jeopardy.
i have been contrite ever since.  ashamed i causedm the this worry.
to doubt me.  am i telling the truth about what i ate today?
i have promised them i always will.

 
i've always been drawn to the above message.
it's been in my mind for years and years.
death is the painful truth.
he isn't coming back.
i have had no signs from him or of him.
he is gone.
i have avoided the after life books for one simple reason.
i do not wish to explore it.
i do not really want to know.
my turn will come.
i will find out then.
in the meantime i have thought about the
"life is a beautiful lie"
part of that message.
what does that mean to me?
that there is no such thing as life.
it is a synonym for time.
how we spend our time is what is important.
i think life is a scientific term that allows us to distinguish
between organic and inorganic matter.
"life all the days of your life!!"
i can hear the gusto and frustration in someone's voice who feels compelled to blast someone with that quote.
"you're existing but not really living!"
they mean you're not using your time here with the joy they believe you should have.
time.
it really is all about time.

someone told me that all my creative endeavors were a wall i was building to hide behind.
they said i should try to meet someone.
i should at least date.
i smiled at them.  i felt sorry for them.
they wanted to know when i would be ready.
i said this,
"i have always been creative.  i have always had to make things.
if no one saw them, they still had to be made.
i am an artist.
it was never something i hid behind.
it is something i am.
and my Dragon loved that about me.
he never interrupted me while i was working on something.
he would sit in the same room and wait until the muse quieted and i came back to this reality."
 
 i am creative.  i am an artist.  i just have to work outside my "studio" to make money to eat.
yes, i ate 3 meals today.
i am feeling stronger.

i still cry about losing him.
i still long for him.
i ache at times.
death is the painful truth.
life is a lie.
i am not living but i am spending my time here wisely.
and i will do better because i promised my children that i will eat 3 meals a day,
or ask for help so i can do that.

my time here without him is lonely.  i am a lone goose flying the darkening skies knowing winter is coming.
and by winter i mean old age.
i hurt in my joints.  i get scared over things that didn't use to frighten me.
i struggle to leave home beyond work or visiting my daughter.
i make no plans.

"the days grow shorter, the nights grow longer;
the headstones thicken along the way,
and life grows sadder, but love grows stronger,
for those who walk with us day by day.

the tear comes quicker, the laugh comes slower;
the courage is lesser to do and dare;
and the tide of joy in the heart falls lower,
and seldom covers the reefs of care.

but all true things in the world seem truer;
and the better things on earth seem best,
and friends are dearer, as friends are fewer,
and love is all as our sun dips west.

then let us clasp hands as we walk together,
and let us speak softly in love's sweet tones,
for no man knows on the morrow whether,
we two pass on or but one alone.
~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

my lovely Dragon has passed on and i am alone.
were someone to ask i would say, "yes, i am grieving."
and i simply do not understand those who do not understand that it is possible to
grieve like this.  quietly.  respectfully.  without really telling anyone how lonely i am.
i've stopped admitting it to anyone though no one really asks with the sincere intent to know.

i miss him.  i wish i could hear his voice and feel the touch of his hand.
i wish we could fly together into winter's cold days and dark nights together,
but some part of fate believed i could do this alone.
i am without my mate.
i am lost in the storm of the beautiful lie that is life.
my time is being spent being creative.
because.
it is what i do.  it is who i am.
and it passes the time.
until........ 

3 comments:

Judy said...

--I know!

Jean R. said...

I am so sorry you are going through all this! Please take better care of yourself.

Those terracotta pots are amazing!

Chloe F. said...

I am so sorry for your loss, my heart breaks for you. I'm praying for you, though I can't imagine what you must be feeling, I'll be praying. God bless you, and I hope he eases your pain. You'll see your husband again someday.

Hang in there, you two will see each other again. Take care of yourself and God bless.

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