how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

he's here

he's here.  26 december 2013.
he is handsome, sweet, quiet, and perfect as all babies are.
i love him with a quiet, deep emotion that can fill me with awe.
i love my own children with that kind of love.

i hope to be able to teach him things; abstract things like kindness, tolerance, logical deductions, and the profoundness found in books.
i hope to be able to show him rainbows, dew on grass blades, all the different kinds of life at the ocean's edge, and the shadows that play across a flag was it furls and unfurls in a strong breeze.
i hope to be able to answer his questions and give him more questions for us to find out the answers together.

i hope he can grow to love me.


it's the last night of 2013.
going to bed early.
no plans.
no one to do anything with.
curl up with my dogs and try to forget the day,
the loneliness, 
my current respiratory illness,
the fact that i have to get up to go to work tomorrow.
i wish i could be with them - my daughter and her new baby.
but he is so new, and i am so sick.
i wish i could talk to my Dragon.

i'd like to be held once more.
i'd like to fall into a deep, restorative sleep in his arms.
i'd like to think he's doing great.

i'd like to think he still loves me


Judy said...

Just 2 years out for me tomorrow--the second year, harder then the first, as reality has set in. Your new Grand Boy is so precious and beautiful. Just think of all he is going to learn--what a wonderful life he will have with a good Mommy AND Daddy. Of course he will love you-you are his Grammie!!!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! There is nothing more life giving than grandchildren. Praying you will be well and able to drink in every little bit of him very soon.

Anonymous said...

Many congratulations Bunny, what a lucky baby to have such a wise grandma. BTW, of course your Dragon still loves you :) Know that this wonderful new little addition to your family will bring so much joy.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you much happiness brave blogger - onwards and upwards from a fellow widow!

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