how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Enoch Arden

it's January of 2014.  that means it's been 4 years, 11 months.  59 months of living without my Dragon.  it feels like a long time.

there are days when i miss him a great deal.  there are days when i think of him and smile.
still, even on the good days, i have fleeting moments of wonder.
where is he?
is he safe and happy?
does he sort of remember me?
it's that whole mystery of death and afterlife introspective journey i take.

i have faith.  i just don't know what really comes next; what it will feel like, be like.

the days get strung together.  i live for my days off.  i get physically tired.
December was hard.  i worked 112 + hour weeks.
the overtime was nice, but getting that run down catches up to you.

i have been melancholy.
i have been evaluating my life.  am i okay?  what do i really feel?

i feel like 59 months is a long time to go without your best friend.
it's a long time to go without holding hands, talking, knowing they are waiting for you when you get off work.
it's a long time.
and it's hardly any time at all depending upon how long i have on this earth.

i'm melancholy and i can't put my finger on it.
i'm doing okay.  paying bills.  holding on.
i love my new grandson.
wish i could see him every single day.
hoping he loves me.
secretly hoping i'm his favorite gramma.  would never say that out loud.

if you met me you would say i have it all together.
i'm funny.  people gravitate to me.
i have some talent with creativity; art stuff.
but if you look into my eyes; when i look in the mirror,
i don't see the me i was when he was here.
i'm less.
i'm sadder.
it's in the eyes.
it's in the moments when i am utterly alone that a voyeur could tell.
i am definitely less than who i was before.
i bow out of things, like at my daughter's baby shower.  i had made this book for people to write things in for her, advice for the new baby.
her mother-in-law had purchased cards for that and stood in front of me to speak to it and pass them out.  i slipped back down in my seat and hid the book i made.  i was embarrassed and a bit hurt.
i had wanted to participate more in my daughter's baby shower but it became her event and i felt left out.  and i stayed out.
i bowed out and let her have it.

i'm low on everyone's list; even my own.

i am, however, very high on the list of two little hearts.
my dogs are my roomies, my cuddle-buddies.
i don't want them to die.  i know they will.
and i know i will react very badly when this happens. i already feel it inside my heart.
 my little Miss Carmen Sophia the Wild Gypsy Girl with the Sensitive Soul is showing signs of her age.  she's my little girl with such a big attitude and a willful spirit.  but she's also a momma's girl.  she loves me so much.  when i finally sit down, she is in my lap in a heartbeat.  she stretches out with a sigh as if she's thinking, "at last.  momma is home and she's mine."
 Mister Scootie Wootums Lord of the Dance with the Stardust Eyes is still a bit more lively, but even he has his moments when i can tell; i can see he no longer has a puppy heart.  he's slowing down.  to this day he goes in search of my Dragon.  he'll go to the closet and get one of my Dragon's shoes and lay with it.  nose inside the shoe sniffing.  if i equate his actions to what a human would do, it breaks me.  it looks so very much like he misses my, our Dragon.
and then there's my new grandson.  such a cutie.  i adore him.  i'm am so ready, so excited about playing with him, reading to him, singing to him, showing him things, but i am careful about what i write in public about that, and what i mentally plan for him and me.  i cannot infringe or overstep.  i dare not intrude on the plans and expectations his other gramma has.  i can't get in the way.

call me Enoch Arden.

{Enoch Arden is an old sea story.  it's the tale of a man who left his wife to go on a two year whaling trip long, long ago.  neither knew she was pregnant with their son when he left.  word came back that a terrible storm broke Enoch's vessel apart and all aboard drowned.  however, Enoch had survived.  he recovered and it took him 5- 7 years, depending upon which version of the story you read, for him to work his way back home.  when he did arrive, he found his wife had married his best friend.  he saw his son.  he also saw the three of them together standing at a memorial to him.  a man who recognized Enoch approached him saying that his "widow" honored his memory; that his son knew who he was, and that his friend was taking good care of the little family.  but he also asked Enoch why he wasn't rushing down to make his presence known.  
Enoch said, "it would destroy the happiness she has found and the security my son knows with my friend.  i cannot do that to them.  please do not tell them i was ever here."
Enoch gained a berth on a ship leaving the harbor that evening never to return.  the man held the story inside himself until Enoch's "widow" had passed and his son had grown and moved away.  then he spoke with awe and reverence of the selfless and heartbreaking decision Enoch made to sacrifice his own happiness to let his family have theirs.}

in an insignificant way, i am a bit like Enoch Arden.
i bow out.
i let others have their way.
i never speak up.
i get my feelings hurt a lot, too.

59 months without him here.
59 months without someone speaking out on my behalf when i never would.
59 months without that certain someone who always knew where i was at all times,
of him waiting for me.
59 months of being without him.

i'm melancholy.
i wish ........

see, funny thing, i don't even know what i wish for.

i'll just bow out now;
before i say too much.


Judy said...

Talking about what shows in ones eyes--look at that little boy's eyes. He already looks wise beyond his years--and he is still so very young. Maybe he remembers what it was like before he made his journey from where he was to here? I'll bet Dragon saw Finn before he was even born.

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