how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

the bad thing happened

i happened today.  i was called to a meeting.  they are closing my store.

the silver lining is that they want me to move back to the store i trained in; the one that is 5 minutes from my apartment.  i will be making $2 an hour less, dropping down in health benefits but still keeping some.  it all happens on April 25th.

i have already started looking for another part time job so that i can get back that 40 hour work week.  going to try to get something so much closer to the apartment.  no more 35 minute drives to work.  just 5 minutes up the road to the mall, or some shop close by.

please wish me luck.  i need it.  i cried all day.  i asked for it off, paid, so that i could grieve over this and get myself regrouped to face the upcoming fall out of putting up signs in my store that we're closing.

this has hit me so hard.  my daughter is sort of happy since i have been so very stressed.  it has damaged my health to be so stressed.  i hope everything works out for me.  i hope i get lucky and find another little job.

i'm a little bit happy to be going back to my old store.  it is so very close.  God, i missed being so close to home.  that drive was killing me financially with gas going up to $4 a gal, plus the exhaustion of working so long and then having that long drive back so late at night.  now if i can just find another position somewhere.  two part time jobs.  i'm not over-qualified so maybe i'll have a chance.

please wish me luck.  i need it.

i wish i could talk to him.  he had been in tight jams before.  he was such a survivor, well, until he didn't survive the heart attack.  i have to be honest and say i have been worried about myself, about the way i've been feeling physically.  i'm so tired and my back and neck burn and ache, and it sometimes goes into my armpit.  my blood pressure has been good and i take all my meds.  i pray, meditate, talk to ...... let's just call it prayer.  i'm trying to hard to be worthy of better luck in this life and then be worthy of peace and safety in the next.

but i am just so broken.
right now, tonight, i am terrified, filled with stress and worry,
and am having a hard time holding onto hope.

it's taking all i have left to keep going.

fear and worry

wish i knew what to say.  just reaching out to anyone who will listen.  fear and worry are taking over my life.  money.  stress.  my daughter is the same way.  gas is almost $4 a gallon.  $20 barely gets me half a tank and i have to drive 30 minutes each way.

and i have been told not to hang from a rope about a raise.  my store did not earn enough.  the traffic through there and the things they bought compared to other larger stores in more tourist areas did not make enough.  even the tourist area stores are down.  so how do i pay rent, gas, car payment, bills, and eat when i cannot afford those things?

really?  all the hard work i put into that store and there is no cost of living raise?  not even a $1 more an hour?

and looking for a job now, at my age, in this economy.............

fear and worry.  wish i had someone to talk to.  to unburden on.  holding it all in and crying alone on my own.

maybe i won't have to worry for long.  the freakin' stress will kill me.

i see the world so differently now.  so few care.  everyone is in the water fighting to hold on.  and the ones that have a place on the raft are trying to get away from the rest of us as fast as they can.

"this is the way the world will end
not with a bang but a whimper."  ~ T.S. Eliot

i hear the whimpering every day.  and with the intensity of my own fear and worry, my own has joined the chorus.

i need some hope.  can't seem to find where i lost mine.

oh, how much i wish he were here to talk to, to lean on, to help me.  the grieving process slows, comes to a complete halt, when there are so many worries.  it's a cruel, antagonistic world.  i need ............. something.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

4 years

today is February 9th. at this exact moment, 4 years ago, he had already died. 12:03 AM. just after midnight and my life changed.

four years later i still grieve for him. but is that the correct word? by definition, grief means "suffering deep mental anguish due to bereavement." am i suffering deep mental anguish? not as much physical pain nor as much mental confusion as i once had, so i guess grief is the wrong word. but what word can i use that everyone would know? recognize? understand? melancholia?  the only word that fits what i feel is grief.

i miss him. i miss where we lived. where i am is okay. i provide for myself and get by; barely. life is hard. i am lonely, but i am lonely only for him, still, even after 4 years. i cannot bring myself to take off my wedding rings. i panic when i try so i acknowledge i am not ready for that step. when anyone asks, "what about dating?" i cringe. the thought of doing that, of interacting on a personal level with someone who might think of me "that way," it makes me hyperventilate. i am not ready. i know of others who went out and search, found other partners 3 years after, 2 years, and even remarried before the 1 year anniversary of the death of their loved one. i have not been moved towards anything like that.

in thinking of where i was at this moment 4 years ago i have questions that still haunt me. could i have saved him? was my CPR performed so badly that it was all my fault? if an EMT had been standing over him the moment it happened, could he have been saved?

what were my two children thinking during this long day that they were on airplanes, waiting at terminals during layovers trying to get to me? i have not asked them and have not ever thought of doing so until just this moment.  see what turning the microscope inwards does for you?

what have i done with my life in these 4 years? i work at a toy store. i build bears and bunnies and dogs and cats, etc. i make people happy. i live in a tiny apartment whose rent is entirely too much for the space. i take care of myself as best as i can and i live with my two Scotties, Carmen Sophia the wild gypsy girl with the sensitive soul and Scootie Wootums Lord of the Dance with the stardust eyes. we hang out when i am here and cuddle a lot. i still sew memory quilts for others but i am cutting back. time is precious and i have precious little of it working a 40 + hour week.

what have i done with myself these last 4 years? i have struggled alone with my grief. i write here and on a grief blog. i check back to see if anyone has commented. beyond that i have no one to speak to about this pain. i have not been fortunate enough to pay for counseling so me and Grief? we are on very intimate terms. i talk to her. she rides with me to and from work.  i eat with her. i sleep with her, a lot, probably still too much on my days off. we are sisters, soul mates. i have no idea how long she will stay but at least she is here with me while i, ah, grieve. i tell her i miss him and she understands. she knows. she is grief. i tell her i wish i could talk to him one more time and she crushes my heart in her embrace. i tell her i wish i could see him again and she expresses her wistfulness with me, our sighs blending in harmony, a song played out along the minor scale.

it has crossed my mind, very late at night when i am exhausted and worried out of my mind, that if she were to ever leave, i would truly be alone.

i am surviving but i am flat on my back. i keep track of everything, take stock in myself, my inner reserves. i try to keep a positive attitude yet allow myself to crumble every now and then. i am flat on my back at year 4, still laying here where his death has dumped me. but i am looking up at the sky, the oh, so beautiful sky, and i acknowledge that it is worth seeing. i am still here. i am still struggling but i am only human. i am a woman, a widow, and it has been 4 years. today.
so this little posting is simply me reaching out, touching base with the universe as it were, letting it know i am still out here. now, i must go. it is getting close to suppertime and my sister, Grief, is waiting to eat with me.