how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

59 months still.......

since he died, i've crossed paths with quite a few widows and widowers.  i know everyone is on their own journey, feel differently, react differently.  it has been interesting to be the wallflower; to watch everyone, hear from them, hear about them.

so many have done very well.  a great deal have found new loves and married.

very few of the first ones to write to me here are actually still reading or writing anymore.  their lives are busy and reading one widow's blog?  keeping up with her here?  just no incentive anymore.

i'm still here though.  i'm not really in the same place emotionally that i was during that first year, but, to be honest, i am not too far removed from it.

i am still in the same vicinity that i was.  i'm wandering, i guess.

i have thought about this a great deal of late.  i am not still shell-shocked.  he has died.  i have a full-time job and work very hard for my money.  i count pennies very carefully.

i am a new grandmother.  i love that baby and have wonderful ideas of what i can teach him, of just playing with him.  grief has not tainted this blessing.

i do not want to take off my rings.  i do not want to date, or meet anyone.  i do not care about finding a friend anymore.  i am very used to being alone now.  it is not something i would have chosen, but i have grown accustomed to it.  it suits me.

i think if any one of the people who used to read all the time, at the beginning, were to stop by now -- just to see -- they might be concerned, or bored, depending upon how they feel about me.

i am still in month 59 with that 5 year mark - that 60th month - staring at me, glaring at me.  and i feel apprehensive about it.  5 years is a long time.  5 years is nothing compared to.........

i think i'll go to bed and try to sleep.  sleep is a good escape from the impending agony of hitting that 5th year.  


3 comments:

Judy said...

I also wear my ring and have NO desire for a "friend". I rather enjoy living alone, but have become quite the hermit. Who cares? It is the way we want to be. In a way, we are lucky--at least we HAD the one true love in our lives--a lot of women never do. A lot of my friends that have been married 50+ years, still have never known great love. We didn't have 50+ years, but we did have perfect love.

abandonedsouls said...

i'm so glad you're still here with me, Judy. i sometimes feel i am writing and no one is reading. i do get a few kind comments though, but those i started out with....? you are the only one who still leaves me words of support. thank you, dear heart. i guess i'm not ready to give up the blog. i'm not ready to stop trying to be heard.

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.

timetraveltimestwo said...

I am so sorry you lost your husband unexpectedly, I am happy for you that you did have such a great love in your life,the likes of which many people never experience. I lost my mom recently and it was a shock, but for me the grief is tempered by the fact that I was lucky to have her as long as I did. (I'm sure losing a partner is harder in many ways than losing a parent, however.)

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