how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

finding home

the word home can bring about deep feelings.
we all want a home, to feel at home, we all have ideas of what home is,
of what it looks like.
i have been blessed with the opportunity to create a home for myself.
i am unpacking as fast as my work schedule allows me to.
here is one photo.
 give me a little more time and i will post more.

but back to finding home.
i have my sanctuary now.  it will be where i go to get away from the world.
it's a quiet place IN a quiet location.
just as quietly i love this place.
when i get finished painting and unpacking, it will look like the inside of my heart.
once you see it, you will have seen me.

but home.....
truly home was with him.
in his arms.
in his eyesight.
within the warmth of his smile.
i quietly got through his birthday and our wedding anniversary.
i got through the 5.5 year mark.
i got through another full moon.

i have found my sanctuary here now.
i pray it lasts for a long time.
i need some peace and feeling of safety in my life.
i am still searching for home.
it is him.
so i guess let me say it differently.
i am waiting for home.
i am waiting for the chance to find him.


Judy said...

I am so very happy for you! I too would love a quiet, peaceful home--I know where that is, but it is impossible for me to move there. Perhaps God wants me right here anyway. Some day we will go to our "real" home and all the joy and love that is waiting there for us. God bless your new sanctuary.

Blog Owner said...

I wish I could find a way to email you. It says on your blog to use your profile to email you but when I go to your profile, I don't see any way to do it. I really care about what is happening to you.

- Steph

abandonedsouls said...

for Steph, or anyone else, my email address is now viewable.

Anonymous said...

How is your new home working out...any more pictures you can post? Take care...

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