how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Furry Beloveds

this is my blog where i come to vent.
i do not come here very often anymore; not like when he first died.
but i do come back.
the people i first met here, the widows and widowers who first commented and
engaged me in conversations, who befriended me
have mostly dropped off the horizon.
they're lives have taken them away from the need to come back here.
they are busy, remarried, adjusting without the need to speak to it.

i think i am a little bit lonelier then they.
in a different place in my heart?
not sure but i still do come here to write.

but i wanted anyone, everyone who reads to know that i am not in constant pain.
i am not suffering as i once was.
i am not over it though.
but i have accepted what has happened and what happens {present tense}.

i also wanted to show you happy pictures.

here is me {so to speak} with one of my Furry Beloveds.
Scootie Wootums is my little boy Scottie.
he likes to snuggle.  so do i.  it's a match made in Heaven.

my Dragon during one of our misty morning walks with our dogs on the beach in front of our home.
they and i were much younger.  he was still here.
now they and i are much older and he is not here.
but the memories.....

Scootie asking to go outside for walkies.

my sweet girl, Carmen Sophia, sharing her soul.

i sometimes feel a great loneliness when i see and know and realize that people are going home from work to their families, to busier lives than i have.
but then i walk into my Sanctuary to excited barks and wiggly butts and happy smiles
and know that i am also home to a busy, albeit slower paced, life and i relax and feel at peace.
i am home with my Furry Beloveds and there are walkies to be had and suppers to be made and snuggling to be done.

and when it's lights out, they are still there with me, yes, on the bed, and i can reach out and get a kiss.
if i have a nightmare they wake me from it.  
they are not therapy dogs.
they just love me.

and i love them.


Judy said...

I understand. After Fred's dog died, he insisted that we get cats. "Two," he said, "one for each lap." Then in six months he was gone, but my pals, especially my big gray Buddy, is a snuggler. His fur has absorbed a lot of my tears! Just to lay in bed at night and stroke their fur, puts me right to sleep.

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