i'm down. i don't know why. well, i do know why. i saw something on the social media venue of Facebook.
sometimes they suggest or ask if you know someone based on facts you have given them. there was a woman i knew from a long time ago.
from grade school. i knew her from 1st grade to 11th grade. i flipped through her photos and saw a photograph of her standing with another girl i knew from that same time period. they had both grown up in our town, stayed, and married brothers. they were "sisters" as well as sisters-in-law.
there were also photographs of them standing with their husbands. and it hit me.
these two girls i had grown up with were family. they had known each other for over 50 years. friends. family. sisters. they have roots in the town they grew up in. homes. lives. everything so familiar. so comforting. home.
they were still home. they had created their own homes at home.
they looked so happy. of course i have no way of knowing if they truly are happy; if they have longings or wistful dreams of having done something else. but in those one or two photographs i saw a sense of family and community and deep commitment to a place, land, people, town, to each other as a family that i have never known.
and it has brought me down. i look at my life and do not see any security. i had to move so many times for various reasons.
me. whose only childhood dream was of a forever home where i could be part of a church, a town, have lifelong neighbors and friends. a little house where i lived and loved and raised my family. a marriage where i was loved and loved.
well, i got the love part right here at the end of my dragon's life. such a brief time so late. but i cherish it. and i miss it. i miss it so much that i ache.
i miss his holding me. i miss his laugh. i miss just knowing he is there. because he's not there.
he was home. no matter where we had to move, (and even in this marriage we had to move) i was home with him.
home. it is such a strong word.
there is a back story to all this that i will never tell anyone. it is a secret that haunts me and keeps me close to the darkness, too close. things have happened to me throughout my life that i wish i could part with, share with someone; but i can't.
home. i wish he were here to hold me and make me feel like i was home.
i will work through this but that is all. i am the creation; i am what is left due to all the things that have happened to me.
i guess we all are.
how did i get here?
my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.