how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

the feelings of the persistent griever

it's about to be 7 years.  February 9th will mark 7 years that we have been apart.

what do i do with that?

i am in pain over it and i do not tell anyone. 

i am shooting for numb.  i wish to be numb.

most of the time i shut myself down and get on with my days, my life, work, taking care of the myriad of things that make up every day of a person's life.  i pay bills.  i take care of the car.  i walk my dogs and snuggle with them.  i tell them things i would never even type here.  and they listen.

they know.

i would like to go numb.   just for a while.  just not feel.  anything.  no hurt.  no sadness.  no longing.  no loneliness.

while i am at work i can disappear behind the job.  but when i am home....alone...and am getting ready for bed....i miss him.

7 years.

i do not think of dating.  i do not want another.  still.  do.  not.  i do not want to try.  i do not.  i am emphatic.  {thinking of it, putting myself in the idea of dating, makes me queasy.}  so i know i am not ready and doubt i ever will be.

queasy is a strong word.

i would like him back, please.  he knew me.  he would smile, and smile more with his eyes when he looked at me, and finish my sentences.

i could quietly tell him my most secret secrets. and he would understand.  he would laugh.  he would encourage.  he would cry with me.  he was empathetic.  he was mine and i was his.

i miss him.

i always will.

i accept that.

i just wouldn't mind a few days of being numb.  you know.  to just get a little consistent sleep without the sad, bad dream.

such are the thoughts and feelings of the persistent griever.


Judy said...

Queasy is a great word. I feel the same way. I think I would actually throw up if another man kissed me, let alone anything else. YUCK!!! I feel like part of myself is gone. Not a missing limb or anything like that--even worse. I think you and I, after all our years of being hurt by men, or a parent, found someone that loved us and we knew it and learned to trust. When it is a love like that, it feels like my mind, heart and soul is missing parts of themselves. Know what I mean?

-blessed holy socks said...

Why else does a moth fly from the night than to a bold, attractive candle Light? Don't let His extravagant brilliance be extinguished. You're creative, yes? Then, fly-away with U.S to the antidote...

AntiSatan said...

God has been the difference in my own life during times of loneliness, heartbreak, and pain. I know too well what it means of not getting encouraged by others and the hurt that comes from that. I've found that only God always offer encouragement and hope, much better than any human can offer. I can only imagine how it feels to be widowed. I have the taste of having an emotional tie broken- I've gotten dumped in the past and it's hurt me so much in the past. The Bible teaches that a sexual relationship (whether marital or premarital) results in the man and woman becoming one body (refer to 1 Corinthians 6:16). I think this bond resonates to the spiritual level of their souls. I believe that even an emotional involvement (without having sex) also creates emotional ties, but probably to a lesser degree than sexual ties (which unites them as one body in a spiritual sense). Our bodies are connected with our inner being (soul, spirit, heart and mind). When our brain forms memories of things we are fond of (people, places, objects, etc.), our bodies long for those things when they are taken away from us. This physical longing resonates to our inner being. It’s all quite complex and mysterious of how our physical body and inner being operate in relation to each other. Rejection and abandonment are all painful things. King Solomon said that everything in this world is vanity, everything is meaningless- a chasing after the wind. Eventually whatever we gain in this world (relationships, success, wealth), we lose them all at some point. There is something you can never lose though- God. God surpasses everything in our lives. Our thirsting for things in this world (especially human relationships) is evidence that we need something greater than those things to satisfy us because everything except God will end up failing you in some way. God has promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. God can't die on us and leave us in a state of loneliness. God won't cheat on us, dump us and go off with someone else. Whenever you feel lonely or feel that you're missing something in your life- realize that God wants to fill that void in your life. So many times I've been ignorant about the Bible. We're trained from our birth to live by our senses- thus we look to perceive God with those senses. Most of the time, we can't perceive God with our senses as He is a spiritual being. God has wanted me to develop my spiritual senses and rely on His word (the Bible) to experience Him. I've learned to always see God's word as alive, powerful, and relevant for each day. When I've failed to see that in the past, it's robbed me so much joy and peace. I've learned to look at the Bible as a powerful and active gateway/portal to God. We can try to occupy our minds with so many different things in this world to try and fill the void in our lives or suppress the pain, but all of those things will keep us still hungry and thirsty. God has promised us that if we reach out to Him, He will give us rest, quench our thirst, and satisfy our hunger. If you haven't done that, I hope you will give God a chance. 1 Corinthians 6:17 states that the one who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him. I think human relationships bond us in a powerful way (which is complex to understand), however, the Bible says that we can also be joined to God through our spirit (inner being), which I believe is even more powerful as God is the ultimate partner. God is an invisible Spirit who doesn’t have a physical body like we have. We have both a physical (the visible physical body) and spiritual component (invisible spiritual inner being). Hence, we need to seek out God with our spirit and be joined to Him as one spirit.

AntiSatan said...

I further hope that God will use you to go and reach others with His word, just like He has used me to reach out to you. Many people in this world are hurting just like you. Many are just looking for a simple act of kindness or a word of encouragement (words are powerful- they can heal and motivate or when used in an evil manner destroy others) which they don't receive from others. Ultimately, many even end their own lives because they feel hopeless and want to end their pain of torment- all because they've failed to see God was nearby all along and they failed to perceive Him with their spiritual senses. God loves you more than any human in this world! He wants to be your companion today and take care of you and your family's needs. I hope you see and explore His love for you today through the Bible- the Bible is the secret source for unraveling peace and joy for you when you can't find them in this world. I can't give you physical copy of the Bible right now, but you can freely access it online at ( May God bless you, heal you and strengthen you and your family. Continue to write and help others for His glory. Claim God's promises to you from His word today. Humans will likely fail to encourage you when you really need it, however, God won't fail. All you need to do is turn to His word. It is available 24/7 whenever you need it- to experience God.
Please read these verses when you get the chance- Isaiah 55:11-13; Jeremiah 49:11; Psalm 146:9; Psalm 68:5; Revelation 21:1-7; Jeremiah 17:5-8; Isaiah 2:22; 1 Corinthians 7:29-35, John 4:10-15, and John 7:37-39).

If you accept God's way of salvation through Jesus Christ, you will have a future hope because a new earth and new heavens will be created. God will make us new also. All pain, sorrow, and death will be gone in the new world that is to come. You will forget the sorrow of your widowhood in that new world.

Isaiah 54:4-6 (NLT):
"Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don't be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood. For your Creator will be your husband;
the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
the God of all the earth.
6 For the Lord has called you back from your grief—
as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,”
says your God.

Isaiah 65:17 (GW):
I will create a new heaven and a new earth.
Past things will not be remembered.
They will not come to mind.

Revelation 21:1-4 (NLT):
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. 2 And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

3 I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

AntiSatan said...

In Star Wars (which has spiritual themes), the fictional character Yoda taught a valuable truth regarding the fear of losing things you value. “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”
When I’ve lost relationships in the past, it caused anger in me especially against God. After the first time you lose something valuable, you have the tendency to develop fear of losing things from that point on. It took me a long time to learn to let go of fear. It also helped me realize the blessings of singleness. Many times, singleness protects you from getting attached to a person which can affect your relationship with God- i.e. death comes to all humans, and if you’re not prepared to let your loved one go to death, there’s the tendency to develop anger and hatred towards God. God hasn’t done anything wrong. Satan and mankind themselves destroyed his original plan of peace and harmony in the Garden of Eden. They brought sin and death into the world, not God.

DeDe Plaisted said...

God is a figment of your imagination

DeDe Plaisted said...

God is a figment of your imagination

Post a Comment