it's about to be 7 years. February 9th will mark 7 years that we have been apart.
what do i do with that?
i am in pain over it and i do not tell anyone.
i am shooting for numb. i wish to be numb.
most of the time i shut myself down and get on with my days, my life, work, taking care of the myriad of things that make up every day of a person's life. i pay bills. i take care of the car. i walk my dogs and snuggle with them. i tell them things i would never even type here. and they listen.
they know.
i would like to go numb. just for a while. just not feel. anything. no hurt. no sadness. no longing. no loneliness.
while i am at work i can disappear behind the job. but when i am home....alone...and am getting ready for bed....i miss him.
7 years.
i do not think of dating. i do not want another. still. do. not. i do not want to try. i do not. i am emphatic. {thinking of it, putting myself in the idea of dating, makes me queasy.} so i know i am not ready and doubt i ever will be.
queasy is a strong word.
i would like him back, please. he knew me. he would smile, and smile more with his eyes when he looked at me, and finish my sentences.
i could quietly tell him my most secret secrets. and he would understand. he would laugh. he would encourage. he would cry with me. he was empathetic. he was mine and i was his.
i miss him.
i always will.
i accept that.
i just wouldn't mind a few days of being numb. you know. to just get a little consistent sleep without the sad, bad dream.
such are the thoughts and feelings of the persistent griever.
5 comments:
Queasy is a great word. I feel the same way. I think I would actually throw up if another man kissed me, let alone anything else. YUCK!!! I feel like part of myself is gone. Not a missing limb or anything like that--even worse. I think you and I, after all our years of being hurt by men, or a parent, found someone that loved us and we knew it and learned to trust. When it is a love like that, it feels like my mind, heart and soul is missing parts of themselves. Know what I mean?
Why else does a moth fly from the night than to a bold, attractive candle Light? Don't let His extravagant brilliance be extinguished. You're creative, yes? Then, fly-away with U.S to the antidote...
God has been the difference in my own life during times of loneliness, heartbreak, and pain. I know too well what it means of not getting encouraged by others and the hurt that comes from that. I've found that only God always offer encouragement and hope, much better than any human can offer. I can only imagine how it feels to be widowed. I have the taste of having an emotional tie broken- I've gotten dumped in the past and it's hurt me so much in the past. The Bible teaches that a sexual relationship (whether marital or premarital) results in the man and woman becoming one body (refer to 1 Corinthians 6:16). I think this bond resonates to the spiritual level of their souls. I believe that even an emotional involvement (without having sex) also creates emotional ties, but probably to a lesser degree than sexual ties (which unites them as one body in a spiritual sense). Our bodies are connected with our inner being (soul, spirit, heart and mind). When our brain forms memories of things we are fond of (people, places, objects, etc.), our bodies long for those things when they are taken away from us. This physical longing resonates to our inner being. It’s all quite complex and mysterious of how our physical body and inner being operate in relation to each other. Rejection and abandonment are all painful things. King Solomon said that everything in this world is vanity, everything is meaningless- a chasing after the wind. Eventually whatever we gain in this world (relationships, success, wealth), we lose them all at some point. There is something you can never lose though- God. God surpasses everything in our lives. Our thirsting for things in this world (especially human relationships) is evidence that we need something greater than those things to satisfy us because everything except God will end up failing you in some way. God has promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. God can't die on us and leave us in a state of loneliness. God won't cheat on us, dump us and go off with someone else. Whenever you feel lonely or feel that you're missing something in your life- realize that God wants to fill that void in your life. So many times I've been ignorant about the Bible. We're trained from our birth to live by our senses- thus we look to perceive God with those senses. Most of the time, we can't perceive God with our senses as He is a spiritual being. God has wanted me to develop my spiritual senses and rely on His word (the Bible) to experience Him. I've learned to always see God's word as alive, powerful, and relevant for each day. When I've failed to see that in the past, it's robbed me so much joy and peace. I've learned to look at the Bible as a powerful and active gateway/portal to God. We can try to occupy our minds with so many different things in this world to try and fill the void in our lives or suppress the pain, but all of those things will keep us still hungry and thirsty. God has promised us that if we reach out to Him, He will give us rest, quench our thirst, and satisfy our hunger. If you haven't done that, I hope you will give God a chance. 1 Corinthians 6:17 states that the one who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him. I think human relationships bond us in a powerful way (which is complex to understand), however, the Bible says that we can also be joined to God through our spirit (inner being), which I believe is even more powerful as God is the ultimate partner. God is an invisible Spirit who doesn’t have a physical body like we have. We have both a physical (the visible physical body) and spiritual component (invisible spiritual inner being). Hence, we need to seek out God with our spirit and be joined to Him as one spirit.
God is a figment of your imagination
God is a figment of your imagination
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