how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

the gift

today is one hundred days that i've been without him.  it's cold without him.  i didn't want to wake up but my two dogs wanted me to.  they cling to me.  we sleep in a pile on my bed.  they've stopped looking for him though i did find Scootie Wootums taking a nap inside the closet with his nose on top of his hiking boots.

Carmen Sophia has always been my girl but Scootie adored my husband.  two guys not afraid of anything.  one hundred days without him.

but i got a gift yesterday afternoon late.  one of the women from the group called me to ask if i might make a quilt for her.  and she has a bicycle i can use so i don't have to walk everywhere.  it was a Godsend.  a gift from someone who understands the pain and the struggle to live day-to-day.  today it will be minute-to-minute.  one hundred days.  it sounds like a long time and it is, but then sixty minutes without him was long.  i don't know how i've made it this long and i don't want to think about, or face, another day let alone the reminder of my life without him.

i've finished both sides of the first quilt i've been commissioned to do.  i'll put it in the frame today to start quilting.  i'm going to Netflix my brains out and quilt.  and try like hell to get through today.

maybe i'll take a break later and walk up to Loew's to see if they have any daisies.  


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