how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

so far, not so good


just a very bad day.  i'm so depressed.  i miss him so much i hurt all over.  it's a beautiful sunny day and i notice it only in so far as a statement to the weather.  i watered my plants.  i re-potted my lavender because it's thriving whereas i'm not.

i keep fantasizing about him.  he was so handsome.  he had great legs and such a smile.  his eyes would light up.  i miss his hands.  they had so many scars on them, little white ones and one big one where he'd gotten cut defending himself during the war.  he was so strong.  he'd survived so much.  why did he have to go?  i need him.  i want him so much.

i finished the quilt top for the woman from the group and it's in the frame.  i am going to start quilting it but i think i'm going to have to take a break and do some work on my own husband quilt.  i need to feel his clothes in my hands, embroidery the words he said to me on his jeans.

100 days.  i'm not doing very well today because i want him back.

2 comments:

Suddenwidow said...

Take deep breaths and ride the waves of the grief. Thinking of you and knowing exactly what your pain feel like.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

A bike came to you!
How great. Someone listens to you.
When can we see some more of you quilting?
X
Supa

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