how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, May 1, 2009

I'm the One Who is Lost

My husband died.  It was sudden by the truest definition of the word.  He went to sleep and was gone in under ten minutes.  Asleep one moment, gasping the next, lost to me forever somewhere in the next two.  Sudden.  Without warning.  I lost him.  I lost the one person whom I could love and who loved me.  Lost. 

I lost my husband.  That is such an odd euphemism for death.  He isn’t lost.  I know where his body is.  He is ashes in a black box with his name on it.  His medals, his dog tags, and his flag surround it.  It’s folded so that all you see is the field of blue and the embroidered white stars.  My Marine.  My husband.  My soul mate.

“Oh, you lost your husband.  I’m sorry.”  Really?  How sorry?  Sorry enough to come sit with me and talk to me?  To listen to me?  How sorry are you?  How sympathetic do you feel?  How empathetic?  Enough to know that it is not he that is lost, but I?  I am lost.  I am without him.

I lost my best and only friend.  He went where I am not allowed to go just yet.  He went on ahead of me and I am left here on this road and I’ve lost my way.  I can’t find him.  I lost my heart and most of my soul.  I dropped them along the way back there, somewhere between the moment the doctor came out and told me there was nothing she could do and the few minutes I took walking out of the church to the car after his funeral carrying his ashes and his flag.  I think they might be there.  Maybe they are in the hospital parking lot after I had to leave him there to be picked up by the funeral home.  To be honest I haven’t bothered nor cared to look.  My feeling right now is, “Why bother?”  He is not with me and I have no need of those parts of my heart and soul.  Those parts had been reserved exclusively for him.  Life has forever changed for me and I am so different.  He wouldn’t know me, and that makes me crumple inside.

I’m the one who is lost.  I don’t recognize where I am.  Nothing is familiar anymore.  Where I used to walk a small seaside community, I walk concrete and asphalt.  Where I used to see waves either gently caressing rocks and sand or pounding explosively, I see buildings and shopping centers that trap pockets of trees and grass.  I hear car horns and sirens instead of wind and ocean waves.  The birds that live here call but they don’t cry like seagulls do; that lonely lament sent out to a lonely sea and sky.  It is hauntingly beautiful to see and hear a lone gull send its cry into the infinite.  My husband and I would feel its solitary existence in our souls and join hands to reassure each other that we had each other.  But there is no longer a hand for me to reach for.  He has died and I am lost.  So very lost.

Jesus Christ is supposed to be the Way, the Truth, and the Light.  I am trying to find my way.  The truth of my life right now is devastating.  I cannot find a light to walk towards.  I pray more often than everyday.  I pray throughout the day it seems, but I hear nothing in the silence of the room and I’m afraid to tempt myself with belief in mere signs.  I grasp the promise that I will see my husband again like a small child grabs a blanket.  I hold it close and cry into the folds of that promise as if my life depended on it.  And right now it does.  It’s all I have since he has died.

I wonder if someday, if I find myself, I can get back on that path to being allowed to be with him.  Only then, when his hand is back holding mine, will I no longer feel lost.

I don’t want you to be gone///You mean the world to me

My heart is shattered///My soul in tatters

Your death has damaged me.

Everything about you was exactly right,///You are the man of my dreams.

I loved looking at you///Day after day

But now life is over it seems.

Lying beside you, against you, so close///I was safe, and warm, and yours

No one could hurt us///No one could touch us

The world was easy to ignore.


I love you so much, the thought of you///Keeps me drifting from reality

Nothing is right///You’re nowhere in sight

I’m no longer part of our “we.”


What love has joined no man can part///But it seems we weren’t part of the plan

They came in the night///Claiming you as their right

Your absence is something I can’t stand.

Falling apart in day and in dark///I haven’t slept since you died

I want you so much///Your laughter, your touch

All I've done since you died is cried.


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