how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

*waves at the world* "i am still here...."

i'm still here.

i ordered the book recommended to me: Diary: Divine Mercy in My Soul by Saint Faustina. i look so very forward to spending time with that book. i need someone to speak to me while i am hurting here so much. i need some new words to hold onto. it has been a while since something touched my soul.

i am on the last embroidery work for this quilt. i will be putting the back together, then putting the quilt together in the frame to quilt it. i am feeling a little lighter about this work. it has been long and arduous, but i am proud of each stitch. hundreds of thousands of stitches of embroidery in this quilt. i will post photos of the work at some other point in time.

the holidays are coming. it means more hours at work. i am guaranteed 39 each week. i need the money. i am not going anywhere nor is anyone coming over. just work and work and cuddle with my dogs and try to find rest in sleep.

i cracked the bone in my right heel. it just split right up the inside of my heel. there is a big bulge there now. maybe in April 2012 after i get on health insurance at work i can have it "repaired." i have no idea what that will entail but it cannot entail me having any time off work or i cannot have that done. i am in a great deal of physical pain. it burns and throbs with every step i take, and when i am sitting down, too. standing at the register is a nightmare. i became nauseous today with the pain, and i was so proud of myself. no one knew.

i am still here. i have not quit. i am just treading water; no longer swimming at this time. maybe after the holidays. maybe after i get my foot fixed. maybe, maybe, maybe........

"But there is suffering in life,
and there are defeats.
No one can avoid them.
But it's better to lose some of the battles
in the struggles for your dreams
than to be defeated without ever knowing
what you're fighting for." ~ Paulo Coelho

i am fighting to survive.

i no longer think about having a "life." i no longer dream. i just want to survive until my continued existence is no longer required. all i want is to eventually come across a period of time in my life when nothing goes wrong and i feel more or less okay. that is what i am fighting for these days.

maybe my outlook will improve once i get a handle on coping with the pain of my cracked foot. it really is a bitch.

anyway, i am still out here writing to whomever is reading/listening. i am still here and i am not giving up.


Anonymous said...

I have read your blog for months and months and never commented but it feels right to do it now. I am very sorry you broke your foot. I wish there was something I could do for you.

I have to tell you this though and I hope it helps you feel better inside. You have the most beautiful blog I have ever read or seen. Your writing is poetry. The pictures you post and the backgrounds are so beautiful. You have a very beautiful mind and a intensely creative soul. I wish you could find the peace you wish for everyone else. I wish it for you every time I read your blog.

Peace to you. Stay and keep writing. Some of us out here need to see the beauty you create.

judemiller1 said...

Yes--to the above comment. You are such a beautiful soul. I am so sorry about your foot--I know how pain can make you sick to your stomach--it takes so much out of you physically. I sure wish you could get it fixed NOW--probably all you need is a "boot" to keep it stabilized and it would heal on its own--my neighbor has much the same injury and she continued to work while in the boot and now her heel is good. I know you will never give up--if you were of that mind, it would have happened a couple of years ago. I need the beauty you create in my life.

Debbie said...

Waving back at you from my harried, grief filled world. I'm sorry about your foot. You've had more than enough hardship and I pray goodness and light find their way to you soon.

Dan said...

Thinking of you tonight my friend. Healing in body and soul, that is my prayer for you.

thelmaz said...

I think of you often. I'm so sorry about your foot. It hurts just to read about it. But you are stronger than you know. Every word you write, even when you are aching with grief, shows your strength.

Sandy said...

Your foot! How terrible. Physical pain can just wipe out all your energy. Please be careful and hopefully it isn't really broke just injured and will get better soon.

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