how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

what's the point

what is the point of this life? really, what is the point? what am i supposed to be doing here still?

my children are grown. they still want me here but they don't need me.

and he is gone. he left me alone here to face a life that has never been easy. never.

i woke up sobbing this morning. my own sobbing is what woke me up. i could not, did not want to face the day, people, work, life. i am so tired of living. not suicidal, just tired of living. i need rest. a break. no one seems to see past my facade of coping. i am desperately trying to save myself, but sometimes one person cannot throw themselves a rope, and i feel, today anyway, like i am at the end of the only rope i have.

i opened my eyes and i saw this face.
so i got up and walked them both in the coolish morning air.

if i did not have them..........

my heart is broken, i believe, beyond repair.

to be sick, to be diagnosed with the things i now face, to only have my daughter to tell a few things to.

i am tired.

here is my soul laid bare. at exactly 2 years and 8 months, on the nose, today, i woke up sobbing because i desperately miss him.

i have my two grown children and i have my dogs. and i have the majority of my stuff back, so i get up and continue. the book of my life will end somehow, someday. i don't want it to be read as: "she gave up."


Janine said...

Have you read the Diary Of Saint Maria Faustina: Divine Mercy in My Soul? I can't recommend it highly enough. You may find some strength and solace in reading it. It's available on Amazon starting around $5. I encourage you to find a copy and read it prayerfully. I will pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy for you tonight.
Peace be with you.

3SF said...

Hang in there, Friend.

Sandy said...

Those darn They make us get out of bed even on our worst of days. Hang in there Susan. I believe there is still joy to be found in your life.

FlyingForever said...

I feel for you... I am 28 years old and a newbie to grieving. I have been told that I have my whole life ahead me, but I don't see a point after losing the most important person in my life. I still remember my dreams and ambitions from 3 months ago but they seem so far away. All I have now are sadness, emptiness, guilt, tears, and the bittersweet memories... I really don't know how I can make it through for the rest of my life like this. The funny thing is, time pushes us forward whether we want it or not. We will just have to hang in there together. Your writing and arts touch me deeply and give me strength and comfort to carry on. I greatly appreciate it.

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