how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

birthday Bunny

it's my birthday tomorrow. i'm working. my last day off was last Monday. my next day off is a week from this Tuesday. i'm a little tired. scratch that. i'm really pretty tired. i work at work and come back here and work.

it's my daughter's birthday, too, and she has off for it. i'm going to miss seeing her, but i'm glad she gets the day off. we both work hard. my daughter gave me a gift. i love it. it's a small aquarium tank so i can grow plants underwater. my own tiny ocean. i gave her a gift. a Build-A-Bear, of course. so sad that i can't do more for her.

i don't feel one way or the other about my birthday. it's just another day. i don't celebrate it. it's just another day that i work. i worked on my birthday last year. the others take their day off but i do not feel like i can or should. money is money and i need every cent.

i finished another quilt and have started on the next. i am waiting for the woman to send me the address she wants me to mail the quilt to. i am also waiting for her to send me the balance due on this quilt and the deposit for the next. waiting. waiting. she's busy though. she works 2 - 3 days a week and then travels the rest. whenever she has the time, i'd like to get that check though. it would mean the world to me. it's a mere drop in the bucket to her. sadly though, it means i worked for about a $1 an hour on her quilt. lots and lots of embroidery.

i sometimes do not think anyone has any idea ~ even though i tell them, even though they see the finished product ~ how much time it takes to do everything by hand, to make the kind of quilts i make.

i have had people show photos of other quilts they have had made while they wait for one of mine. they have sent clothes to some place that cuts them all up into squares, and triangles to make squares, that run them up on sewing machines and get them out in about 3 weeks. months later i am still hand embroidering very detailed work. i see those photos of those quilts and i admit it, i do suffer a blow to my heart.

i have things i'd like to make for myself and for my children. but i put commissions above my own personal work.

i miss him more and more. that sounds like i am not getting over this, or dealing with it well. in a way i'm not. i'm suffering. but in my defense, i get confronted with suffering and grief on almost a daily basis. New Year's Eve ~ the little girl who didn't want to die that night. she didn't die. she did 5 days later. yesterday ~ the man and his daughter's who came into the store to buy a new bear for his wife, their mother. his wife is in a coma in a bed in their living room which is now her bedroom. if you ask this man, he is most definitely raising his daughters with his wife. he is not a single parent. the girls talk to their mom all the time. they show her things they've made. she is very much a part of their lives. she likes to hold bears. her arm curls around them when they place them next to her. the doctors say she is in there somewhere. she could awaken at any time. any time has been about 11 years now.

i make animals and do heart ceremonies for death. i am the one they come to because they've heard i do it so very personally. they know i will honor the purpose for the stuffed animal. it's hard for me to get around my own grief when i see others grieving so deeply. it keeps it all fresh for me. i never interrupt their stories with my own. no one knows why i can connect to them. they just accept that i am a "sensitive soul." everyone has a calling. i guess this is what i am supposed to do. i had hoped it would be one of more frivolity but, que sara sara.

{i'd like to interrupt this blog with an update. i have camera again. in fact, i have two. Sandy sent me her old camera as a gift. such a beautiful digital. i use it now for all my sky shots. i feel that is what it's for as it traveled miles and miles in saddle bags with Sandy and her beloved. Dan sent me half funds for a new camera from B&H. i had ordered it and it was on it's way when Sandy sent me hers. the new camera is what i use for the moon. it is 14X zoom so, i think, you can almost see my Dragon on the moon up there. anyway, i want to sincerely and humbly thank both Sandy and Dan for helping me get a camera back into my hands. i find that life is gentler when i can take a photo of it.}

i miss my Dragon. i wish he were here with me. not to be cocky, but after watching her on "Inside the Actor's Studio," i think i am sort of like Betty White. she talked about her work as a actress. she talked about her passion working with animals. her answer to the question "what do you want God to say to you when you get to Heaven?" was this: "come on in, Betty. here's Alan." her husband Alan has been gone for a little over 30 years. she said in an interview, "i'm killing time until i see him again by living."

that's what i hope my children see me doing; living. i am living but missing him. i am living by helping others make stuffed animals. i put my heart and soul into them so that these people will see a heart and soul in their animal.

i miss him. it's my birthday and once again, i am alone through it. no party. no hugs and kisses. no going to bed with him. just another day of work.

it's my birthday tomorrow and it doesn't mean anything to me at all. {well, i guess it does a little since i wrote about it.}
Bunny's gotta get to work. she's all dressed for a birthday party she's been requested to do for a gay man who is turning 21. he promised me he is coming in full drag with 10 of his closest friends. it's going to be a blast. finally, Bunny's going to have some fun today celebrating someone else's birthday.


megan said...

aw man, I was doing alright (aka, not crying yet) until the part about betty white. Word. I love that woman.

Also love the flowers in this current background. And you.


Sandy said...

I missed your birthday so: HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! XOXO

abandonedsouls said...

thank you both very much. going to go see my daughter after work today for hugs on our birthday.

and i agree. Betty White has a unique and beautiful view of grief.

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