how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

happy, happy, joy, joy ~ Hope

someone had the audacity to write to Bunny to tell her that she, oh, Lordy Lord, she's gonna put this in quotes:

"you are resistant to joy, real joy, the joy that can be had when your partner dies and you are now free to be the woman you were meant to be in the first place."

Bunny's first thought was like, "oh, wow, i guess her marriage wasn't that good." but that's judging, just like this person was doing to Bunny.

it's an interesting thought though. being the person you were "meant to be?" like Bunny was run down like some wild creature, captured, and married to her Dragon against her will. like her Dragon oppressed her and suppressed her and kept her from being what she was meant to be. that was Bunny's first marriage.

silly woman. doesn't she know? hasn't she read Bunny's blog thoroughly? Dragon was AWESOME. <~ said in a sing song little voice.

and since his death, Bunny has been doing happy.
look at that picture up there. see that flower? hyacinth. Bunny was happy to buy it. crazy Bunny spending her hard earned $4.99 on that little glass vase. hopeful Bunny that her little flower will bloom. see? happy and hopeful.

Bunny is doing alright. she has her moments. she writes it out. that silly woman has never met Bunny. heck, she's never even see a photo of the real Bunny, me, to see her eyes, what's in them, and what isn't.

so maybe there isn't this exuberant, jumping up and down, joyful, joyful, we adore Thee bounding up and down the street like a big golden retriever excited at the thought of a frisbee toss, kind of joy to Bunny...
Bunny does alright for herself.

so far she's made it all by herself,

and with a little help from her friends.

Bunny has her work at Build-A-Bear where she is the tippy top Party Bear/Bunny.
she goes back to her place where she has her drawings and sketches of things she wants to make.
she has her puppies! the lovely and diva-ish Carmen Sophia and the inscrutable but winsome Scootie Wootums.
and yes, she has her Dragon. her lovely, lovely Dragon who sits in her heart and her head. the one who gave her joy. the one whose only compression was when he laid on top of Bunny and she loved those times. {oh, my gosh. Bunny made a cryptic reference to sex. yes, Bunny loved her compression times with Dragon. ooooo la la. he was very, hmm, talented. there that's a PG word.}
Bunny is happy. Bunny has found equilibrium. Bunny is not just going through the motions. Bunny has friends she hopes some day to go visit. like in Arizona. Bunny hasn't seen Arizona since she was in college. and San Diego. and Canada. and England. oooo. Bunny will need a Pawsport for that one.

love to all my friends. love to my children and my fuzzy kids. love to my Dragon. and yes, a little love to me. don't get all down on Bunny just because she hasn't started a foundation or written a book or gone for the Gold Ring of Grief. Bunny isn't a Phoenix. she's a Bunny. she's doing it her way. she's got her earbuds in and listening to her own music. sometimes it's sad. sometimes it's happy. but joy? Bunny knows she will have joy again when she's with her soulmate again. fingers crossed.

peace, ............ and quiet. peace and quiet. yeah. you characters out there who seem to think it is your duty to correct Bunny, stop it. Bunny is doing fine.


MandyMy said...

The only way that'll work for us, is OUR way! I think you're doing just fine! Keep that pretty little bunny held high! Hugs and love!

judemiller1 said...

Oh well--there are all kinds "out there".

Sandy said...

You are fine! We all have good and bad days and like me you use your blog to talk about both. Everyone grieves in their own way and their own hell with them if they don't like the way you are doing it! I hope you get to Arizona some day! xoxo

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