how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

it's coming

it's coming. that period when all i can do is think of that moment in time, and of the passing of time.

Valentine's Day is staring me in the face at work. hearts and bears and love and kisses.

all i can think about is the love he had for me, i have for him, the embraces we shared, the touching, the constant touching.
i have vivid memories that include sounds and smells, the feelings i had about where we lived.
"i love thee, i love but thee with a love that shall not die, 'till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old." ~ Shakespeare. what he recited to me as part of our wedding vows.

"and when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars; and he will make the face of Heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun." ~ Shakespeare. recited by my daughter for me at his funeral on Valentine's Day.
because i had not voice.....because i could not speak. and i write here rather than continue to try and find someone to talk to anymore, because i still need to have a voice.....because i have things i'd like to say......because i still have not had the chance to actually speak to a living person about him. so writing is my voice. the written word is my way of speaking about him.

i bought myself something. when it comes, i'll post a photo of it. {Bunny loves cliffhangers.}

it's coming. that period of time when all i can think about is him, and time.

i am still in love with you, Dragon. so very much.

3 comments:

judemiller1 said...

When you have the kind of life you and I had--and then found the kind of love you and I found--I don't think that feeling we have for our "saviors" will ever fade.

Anonymous said...

It's coming for me too Feb 1, 2 years for my love, one year for my Mom, same day sadness permeates my soul. Every year I hope I've moved on, but then it all is right there in my face again. I will be thinking of you on these upcoming dates, as you will be thinking about your Dragon.

Debbie said...

Holding you in my heart

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