how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

bad news and good news

Bunny wasn't going to write again so soon but she has the day off from working in the store and she is eating her lunch. she has some bad news and some good news.

start with the bad news. end on a good note.

someone hit her car again. 3.5 weeks before, a fancy woman in her brand new big car {2 miles off the lot} rear-ended Bunny when her daughter was driving her car to get it inspected. a cop saw the whole thing and the woman's insurance took care of Bunny's car.

yesterday, Bunny had to go in for a conference call at work and when she came out, there was a woman taking pictures of Bunny's car and a cop filling out a report. the cop told Bunny that the woman had hit Bunny's car trying to go into the parking space next to her; that a witness had seen the whole thing and stopped her from driving away, and had called it in to him. by the time Bunny had gotten there, it was basically a done deal. now Bunny is waiting for the police report to pop up in the computer and for her insurance company to call her.
poor Bunny's poor little car. Midnight has had a rough couple of months. she is an outlaw at the moment since she cannot get inspected until the damage is repaired. Bunny cried a lot yesterday. off and on all day. she's crying still today. she is just weary with all of life's unexpected bumps and scrapes. and right in the middle of writing this, she gets called to come in to work from 4 until close. Bunny, of course, said yes because she needs the money. she doesn't know when the next bump and/or scrape will come rushing at her and bowl her over.

she needs her Dragon so badly these days, but one of the scrapes from life took him from her and now all she has is her memories of him.

oh, how Bunny hates that concept at times. "oh, my dear, but you have your wonderful memories of your husband to cling to." tell that to someone who's drowning in sorrow. 'oh, i don't need to call someone to talk to. let me cling to my memories.'

stupid heads. Bunny wants her Dragon, and she misses him more when something bad happens to her. calling up all her lovely memories hurts her. it reminds her of what she had with him and how alone she really is. and oh, Lordy Lord how she knows he isn't going to get to come back to her loving fuzzy arms. so she does a lot of talking to Heaven up there. she does a lot of praying, just talking really to God and Mary, and to her beloved Dragon.

*Bunny looks up at the sky and waves hi to her sweetie.*
so she is dealing with this; this new car accident. she is dealing with life. and sometimes it sucks. she wants to move. she wants to be on the move. maybe get a camper and just drive around taking pictures and uploading, making millions that way; money she can survive on. she could be a little gypsy Bunny with Scotty dogs off in a cool camper off seeing places and avoiding people when she wants to. people hit Bunny's car wayyyy too much for her to want to be close to them.

now for the good news. Bunny has been asked to take over assistant managing a store of her own. she said yeah she would. it is more money. health care. and a lot more hours.

so that's it. the bad news and the good news. that's Bunny's life thus far.

missing her Dragon, getting smacked a bit by life's down, and getting lifted a tiny bit by life's ups.

"we are the music makers,
and we are the dreamers of dreams,
wandering by lone sea-breakers,
and sitting by desolate streams; -
world-losers and world-forsakers,
on whom the pale moon gleams;
yet we are the movers and shakers
of the world for ever, it seems."
~ Arthur O'Shaughnessy


Debbie said...

Congratulations on your new job! They are lucky to have you! I know how hard it is to not have our loves to share the good and the bad. It makes the bad even worse and the good less than it should be.

judemiller1 said...

I hear that thing about "you have your wonderful memories" so much--I just want to smack them when they say that. I am having many scrapes. They probably would have come along even if I weren't alone, but being alone just makes it so much harder! I am very excited about the new job--I have told so many of my friends your "story"--my daughter's know all about your dragon--your hardships, ("Can you imagine--she had to move the day of her husband's funeral!" "Oh Mom, how could she handle that?")--then your job and how you were the best bear builder ever!!! We love you!!!

abandonedsouls said...

awww, Judy, *Bunny blushes*

Debbie, been thinking of you during your "time" here this whole month. thanks for the congrats. i'll have to take photos of the new store when i officially step in. one of these days......maybe,.....we'll see each other again. t'would be nice. preferably beside the ocean.

Anonymous said...

I am SO happy for your good news, thanks goodness somebody was watching you at work, and realized your potential. You are worth so much more than in your present position. Plus benefits. Congratulations!

I too have thought about chucking it all and taking off in a van or camper. Haven't made the move yet,and probably won't, but it is something to think about. Until then, back to day to day drudgery, dealing with the public.

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