how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

melancholy Bunny

Bunny has a new shirt.  she made it for spring hoping it would make her feel pretty, and perky.  and it did for about a day.  maybe a day and a half.  people always think Bunny is cute.  what they actually think is that Bunny is creative.  but Bunny is still melancholy a lot of the time.  life has not turned out the way she had hoped.

not even close.

so she wears this little mask to protect herself.  the eyes are the mirrors to the soul so she hides her soul.

she works so hard and worries about money.   she goes back to her apartment and works on her sewing commissions.  she also works on things for herself and her family. here is a little lap quilt she is working on made out of parts of his jeans.  and hers.  the ones she can no longer wear because............

she has lost a grand total of 32 pounds.  yes, Bunny has been doing good on her diabetes stuff.  

she has been adding to her daughter's wedding runner that is turning into an embroidered visual of her married life.  here is their first little house.  Bunny needs to do a little bit more sky and then put in the stars.  she also has to put in the driveway and front walk.  but Bun is taking a break from this little project to work on a commission.  she moves back and forth from projects so that she doesn't lose her edge.

Bunny is melancholy most of the time.  she has this new position coming up.  she's supposed to start April 8th.  she's been training and studying and working hard to be able to step in without any hiccups. she's nervous.  she wants to be the best Bun they ever had.

which is silly because she will be the only Bun they ever had.  no one at the Bear has ever done it like Bunny.  but she wants to do the paperwork right.  a company is all about it's paperwork.

she misses her Dragon.  this being the year of the Dragon, she sees them everywhere.  it makes her misty.  with this latest car accident she just really needs him.  she's scared.  she's in a rental car that the insurance is costing her $20 a day.  Lordy, Lord Lord but she hopes they fix her car very, very soon.

she had planned on getting her eyes checked.  not sure when she's gonna do that.  she's waiting on them to process her health care paperwork.  hopefully, they will go it quickly.  she had wanted a new mattress.  the one she is sleeping on is very old and lumpy and hurts her back.

so many little things that Bunny needs.  so many projects Bunny wants to and needs to work on.  no money and no time.  hopefully life will get better with this new position in the company.

Bunny just wanted to show off some of her work.  and she wanted to put it all out there like she does.  she misses him still.  she is draggy from not sleeping well.  she has worries.  she gets teary when she's down.  and now she's rambling because she needs to get back to her commission work and she's really tired.

if you read and have nothing to say, Bunny understands.  if you read and respond, please be a sweetie pie.  if you're grieving, Bunny understands that, too, and she wishes you peace.


Debbie said...

Congratulations on losing 32 pounds! Do you have any tips? I'm trying to get into shape but I feel like I'm running in place and can't make any progress. I sure get the melancholy. Feeling it here too. Wishing us all some peace. You will be excellent in your new job. They are lucky to have you!

abandonedsouls said...

hi, Deb!! i've been thinking about you. as to the losing weight? i cut out white bread, potatoes, white rice.....carb stuff like that. very little pasta anymore. very little sugar or salt intake. my exercise is all the walking i do at work. {it's not a sit down job.} like yesterday....truck day. bend and stretch and heft those boxes, unpack and put away, constant moving. the only exercise i do beyond work is the low impact version of a "Biggest Loser" DVD. i have simply cut out carbs that change to sugar and sugar and salt.

peace, Deb, to you and the boys.

Juliet said...

Reading and thinking of you. Sorry you are melancholy. You are going to be an amazing manager!


Mariebruxelles said...

I wish you all the best for your new job. They could not have chosen a better person to do it!
Big hug from Brussels,

Suzann said...

Oh how happy I am for you.......your new job is perfect. You did it!! Congrats on the 32 pounds..that is so good.

I just tried on a ski jacket of Tom's that was in the downstairs closet and when I put my hands in the pocket, out came an old pair of gloves - I put them on and put them to my face and for a moment, I could smell him.

Seven years later, I miss him so much. Weeping in the hallway. I do so understand. Much love to you my dear sister. xoxo

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