how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Bunny, Bunny, Bunny....girl? what's going on?

spring is coming, or here, something. it's warm. trees are flowering. it's pretty out there.

Bunny is working very hard at the store and at her apartment.

days are passing. months. season after season, holiday after holiday. Bunny is getting older.

see that fuzzy, old face up there? stuff's happening. people are getting married. people are having babies. people are living.

is Bunny living?

she still takes pictures. see the pretty tree flowers?
Bun thinks their very nice. they don't smell though.

Bunny's like looks sort of like that. her life looks sort of settled; well, she's got a routine. she pays her bills after much nail biting. she cuts out the luxury stuff like meat and stuff. but she is getting by. she laughs at work. she smiles on cue. she is sewing up a storm. she works very hard. but her life doesn't smell. it's like a pretty flower that draws you in but when you sniff it, there's no smell. there's no perfume.

is Bunny living a faux life?

she doesn't know and she doesn't care. oh, stop. she does sort of care. otherwise she wouldn't be writing about it. it's a question that doesn't have a smell. if someone were to tell her that still missing her Dragon as she does makes her life worthless, she'd shrug and say, "so."

nothing makes Bunny feel. she is just floating along on her little boat on the seemingly endless sea of her lifetime. she's doing what she has to. she's doing what's expected. she has opinions. Lordly, Lord, Lord, does Bunny have opinions, she just doesn't really care what happens out there.

the election? Bunny would write in Cthulhu which is the lesser evil.

dating? phew.
just putting one fuzzy little foot in front of the other.

you know, Bunny doesn't really have a lot to say. she just wanted to reach out to see if anyone was still out there.

*Bunny waves hi*

take care everyone. it's a wild world out there. Bunny knows. today she had a grandmother yell out in the store after her grandson who was racing off to dress his bear, "DON'T YOU WANT TO GIVE YOUR BEAR THAT AIR BATH THING THAT BLOWS OUT AIR ON HIM?! DON'T YOU WANT TO GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB?!"

Bunny didn't laugh until she got to the back room.


Jules said...

*Jules waves hi*

That last story was funny lol xD I am surprised that you were able to keep from laughing in front of them.

I am hesitant to post much because you always seem so timid, so easily hurt. And because so many people hurt you. I don't want to be one of those people. But I would like to share with you some of my thoughts.

I think you care too much what other people say. And I speak from experience. It's your life. So what if you mourn for the next 40 years? No one but you can know what your Dragon meant to you. No one but you can know how you feel. I don't think emotions are a right or a wrong. They just are. We feel what we feel and we can not help that. We can learn to accept it. And I think you have, to a certain extent. But so many people tell you that what you're feeling is wrong that you feel like you shouldn't accept it.

As for living a faux life, who knows? Every day I do the same things. Over and over. My routine is so down that I don't even think about it. I just wake up, set myself on auto pilot, and go through my day. I feel most alive, and least on auto pilot, when I am online. Reading, posting on various forums, I really feel alive then. Because there is always something new and different online. It lasts for a short while and I'm happy. Sometimes I do things with my family. Then I am alive. When something different happens. And then I go back on auto pilot. Is my life any more real than yours?

Disclaimer: I hope none of my words here hurt you. That isn't my intention. I only want you to know that you aren't alone. And that even though I don't know you personally, I am interested in your well being. I like to know that you have good days.

abandonedsouls said...

none of your words hurt me. as i wrote, nothing really touches me anymore. and as the months have turned to years, i have stopped truly caring what anyone says. if there is venom in the voice, it does sting but more from being singled out. i don't like the spotlight. it's a little embarrassing to have one's life decisions be found so ridiculous that it be necessary to have a finger pointed at them and told how wrong they are.....without my asking for judgement.

i think all i wanted tonight was to find a yardstick, or get a nod from other widows maybe. i think i wanted to hear from some of the ones who have consistently been with me through all this.

i didn't use to be on, as you call it, "auto pilot." not even in my first marriage. i was too much on the knife's edge of disaster with him to ever be on auto pilot. survival instincts were always humming.

with my Dragon, my children and i were alive. my blood ran hot. my heart sang. my skin tingled. no auto pilot there. always always vibrant life and love. my soul was connected to his.

the difference is so startling, and after these 3 years, to find life so dull. people so lame and predictable. color is coming back for me, but the desire to tell anyone about things, show anyone anything i've made, even more pictures of what i've created of late. there's just no reason to. i'm a drawing of myself. one dimensional. a faux life.

i just wondered if any of the other widows had ever, for a time, gone through this phase.

that's all i wondered. but aside from that? aside from looking for markers along this journey, nothing anyone says, or tells me to do, or not do, i really don't give a rat's ass.

and good days? i do, i guess. i definitely have good moments in a lot of the days. me in my little boat, drifting along, no perfume at all, but the sky is pretty, the clouds are fluffy at times and stormy a lot but they are always awesomely gorgeous. Bunny gets by.

judemiller1 said...

I'm just numb most of the time. Acting like a robot--saying what others want me to say. Don't feel like talking to anyone--don't feel like interacting. Don't even care about life anymore. Just floating along--such a waste.

Mariebruxelles said...

*Marie waves hi*
You are not alone!
I lost my dear husband 10 months and 13 days ago. He died during his nap and I found him a few hours later, whem I came back from work.
I discovered your blog last week. I was searching how to sew a quilt with his favorite shirts.
Except for my co-workers who have been - and still are - very caring, most of our so-called "friends" have been avoiding me as if being close to me would bring them bad luck.
Every morning, I put on a brave face, leave the sanctuary of my house and pretend that I am ok, but inside I am nothing but tears and sorrow.
I miss him so much!
Bye for now, Bunny. It is 2AM and the sandman is coming...

abandonedsouls said...

dear Marie, Bunny hopes it's okay to call you Marie, anyway, dear Marie,

i am so very sorry your dear husband has died. i've heard the saying that death changes your address book. and for the most part i have found this to be true. people you once knew just fade back seldom to return with any frequency. but soldier on is what we must do. we have to rise and face the day, whatever that day brings. and it hurts, and it's sad, melancholy, and lonely.

i know you miss him. i miss my beloved Dragon. i wish for you people who truly care. i wish you quiet times in your heart and in your mind. most of all, i wish you peace.

{Bunny looks forward to hearing from you again next time she posts. she hopes. if you have time. no pressure.}

Cathy said...

I'm glad to see that Bunny can laugh at the silly things happening in her life, even if they only happen once in awhile. I, too, am floating along, don't really care about the day to day events ....they will happen no matter if I care or not. I do see the beauty in nature, am enjoying the early spring and return of birds and wildlife (saw a coyote in my backyard as well as sand hill cranes flying this weekend).

I'm am glad to see you are getting by, I think as time goes on we tend to focus on other things going on in our life; our past lives are still there and very much a part of us, they will always be a part of us, but we are beginning to move on in a world with just us in it. I have accepted that he is never coming back to me, maybe in dreams, but I will have to join him someday in his world, he will never come here. Hard to accept but that is the way it is.

I would love to see some of your quilts you are working on, I have yet to begin to be creative, I find myself needing to be on the move, whether it be working out of doors or walking or purging, I just can't seem to do the things I loved to do (sewing, pottery, weaving). It's like they were part of that other world I lived in, and they remind me of those happier times, so I have put them behind me. I'm another person now, I'm not sure if I like that person yet, and I'm not sure if she is living either.

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