how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, April 20, 2012

no one to miss me when i'm gone

all quite suddenly, i disappeared from online.  it's been 10 days.  11 if you count today.  it wasn't a planned absence.  nothing i could announce would be happening.  my hard drive crashed and died.  i lost everything ~ all my photos.  it was  over in a heartbeat.

it mimicked my husband's death.  one minute he was smiling, getting into bed.  we were cuddling, kissing, saying good-night.  the next he seized, and then he died.  i lost everything ~ my breath, my friend, my companion, my lover.  it was also over in a heartbeat.

the next day my cell phone died.  it was very sudden and frightened me.  i tried to find a pay phone.  did you know that pay phones are almost a thing of the past?  a stranger saw my distress and offered their cell phone for me to call her.  so for 10 days i used the phone at work to speak to her real quick before i left work.  no long conversations.  i got my new cell in the mail from my son yesterday.  i got it charged up and called her last night at 10 PM.  we talked for an hour.  but my cell phone dying?  so sudden.  so shocking.  it was over in a heartbeat.

in all 3 cases i was left without a voice.  after my Dragon died, i thought i had found a voice that would be heard by writing here, and leaving photos and comments on Facebook.  i thought i left enough of an impression that people looked for me; in fact, would comment or email if i disappeared.  that did not happen.  no one asked.  no one left a comment wondering about me except one woman but it took me being absent for 8 days.  if these were physical friends, and i was a childless widow, and it was me who had died rather than my computer, i would hate to think how long it would take for someone to find my body.  it is a little depressing to realize i would not be missed.  losing the ability to really talk with my daughter was harrowing.  we missed each other so much.  she would call me at work and we tried to talk a bit.  i'd call her, but we were both at work and busy.  we could not talk like we always have.

i have worked so hard to establish friendships.  i have done and given of myself so much.  i am intelligent.  i am empathic.  i am always there for others, doing whatever i can.  but it has not worked out, or been enough.  i have ended up being told i fall short.  one woman told me i did not have enough money to be a friend to her.  well, i am working very hard and i have a bit of extra money to go to lunch or to a movie.  i have a car, too.  no one has to come pick me up.  but these women are all gone.

the people i have "met" online, are just that; online.  if i disappeared it wouldn't impact their lives not one whit.  i am nothing but words on a computer screen.  and my words mean nothing.  which is sad since i choose them so carefully.

i miss having a friend.  i miss the idea of one.  the utopia friend ~ one who notices me and wants to listen to me, have tea with me, go shopping with me, laugh with me, go to the movies with me, tell me her secret thoughts, who would lean on me as i could lean on her; someone who would care if i suddenly wasn't there.  someone who "if i was never there again, would never be the same."  someone who would call my daughter, who had her number to call and check on me, on things.  someone who would come to my funeral.

i was developing a friendship with a widow but her son is now very sick and she needs to be with him.  i miss her and worry for her.  i hope she is okay, and that her son is improving.  but my last email went unanswered and i have tried to call.  of course, that was 10 days ago before everything died.  i will try again now that i have electronics back.

i had a friend at church, who died.  i miss her and i sit alone at church right now.

i was working on a friendship with a widow, but it was more she was leaning on me.  i kept encouraging her to speak to a professional but she refused.  she committed suicide just before Christmas and it made me feel like i failed her.  at her funeral, her son told me he felt the same way.  it was a miserable experience and one i still grieve over, and second guess everything about.

with the death of my computer i lost contact with a world i had believed noticed me.  i lived under the delusion that people looked for me as much as i looked for them.  when i got my rebuilt computer back, i found only that one comment on Wednesday, but nothing else.  i have left no ripples.  i have had no impact at all.  my words, my photos of Bunny, my photos of my tiny little corner of the world mean nothing to anyone.  it has made me realize that the friends i had thought i had made on the other side of my computer screen have lives with their own friends who are real in the physical sense.  they go places, take trips, have large families; they live more important lives than i do.  they impact the world in a huge way and me, a Bunny face onscreen?  i am only the Bunny Lady who gives awesome parties at work, and who gives touching, funny, meaningful heart ceremonies.  the Bunny Lady is only that.  i make one moment in time pretty good.  but there is no lasting impression.  yeah, people come back to find me there, but if i never show up again, they won't miss me.

this is a realization that makes me want to find a friend.  i cannot force it though.  it has to just be the right time for it.  a woman will meet me and we will have something in common.  she will accept that i am fairly poor.  i can pay my bills but i walk on eggshells when it comes to money.  she won't ask me to make a bunch of stuff for her for free.  she will simply want to hang out with me.  we will talk about our husbands.  she doesn't have to be a widow.  she can be anything.  we just need to connect and care about what happens to each other.  all i want is a friend.

someone to notice when i'm gone.


judemiller1 said...

I wondered what happened to you, but I thought you were just busy with the new job. Of course, right now I am so into my own head that I rarely read anyone else's blogs. I just realized the other day that I am completely alone. My kids don't have time for me. My friends don't call--the loneliness is overwhelming. I go days without seeing another person--unless I get out to the grocery store and that is such a difficult task now. I think it would just be easier on everyone if I were gone!

ABBY said...

I did notice you were gone.
This is my first time ever commenting, I just stop in and read your posts when you publish them. I know you don't blog daily so I thought you were busy too. I realize you just got a promotion. There are people who notice, more than you realize.

abandonedsouls said...

Judy, that saying the address book changes when you become widowed is so very true. it would not be easier if you were gone. please try to fight that feeling, though i have to admit guilty to it crossing my mind on occasion. i know you are also grieving the loss of your friend, Arlene. hang in there. call your children and tell them you need to see them, or hear from them more. they love you, i'm sure. they just don't know what to do right now. and write to me. now that my computer is like brand new, it is reliable. i will always, always answer.

Abby, thank you for commenting. it is nice to know that i might be missed.

Sandy said...

I wondered where you were also. I find that many people take breaks from the online stuff so I don't bother them when they go missing for a bit. I assume it is just time to step away from the internet for a bit. I do it periodically myself. Glad you are back though!

Anonymous said...

I noticed you were gone, too. I don't always comment, but I do follow many widows who write. You were missed by more than you know. I, too, lack friends, I would love to take a walk with you and just be. I'm in Michigan, tho, so we'll just have to walk online. I feel a kinship to you, my husband and I loved the ocean too, we were sailors, planning to sail away someday. That someday came sooner for him than me. Thanks for writing, you have a lovely way of putting words together. Cathy

Boo said...

unfortunately my cellphone has frozen up, so I've been incommunicado too ... and ... travelling too (without laptop) so I may have been unable to feel your absence, but I can tell you that I think of you and miss you in a real sense x

abandonedsouls said...

thank you for your kind thoughts, Cathy.

Boo, i've missed you terribly.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for a few years. I don't always have an opportunity to check in, and I've only commented a handful of times, but I think of you often and my heart breaks for you now. I really believe our greatest need as humans is to feel accepted and it can be unbelievably painful when acceptance is not something you are receiving.

You said in your post that others have more important lives than you: that is not true. You are important and you are enough, just exactly as you are. Our value is based on our humanness - it's not relative. I truly believe that.

I wish it was enough to say that I accept you, but I know you are needing a more tangible connection that that. Even still it is true. And, while I'm not the praying kind, I keep you in my thoughts and I do wish you peace. More so, I hope you find the love and acceptance we all need. You deserve it.

abandonedsouls said...

anonymous, on a night, late from a very long day at work, i find your words, and they bring comfort. thank you for writing this. the simple fact is that i need to find something in myself that i find worth saving, worth holding onto. my Dragon loved me for the time that he had. there must be something i can't see yet. maybe that is why i'm still here.

thank you from the bottom of my lonely heart.

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