how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

walking along the edge

big changes coming up in my life.  i accepted a promotion and a new store.  yes, it is official.  i think i'm going to make it financially.  if i'm smart and keep my belt very tight, no vacations, no splurges, just work and save and keep my bills paid, and then keep working, i think i'll be alright.

i wish i could tell him about it.  i wish .......  i do wish a lot.  i do dream a lot.  or day dream.  i make them up.  when i lay down to try and fall asleep, i pretend i still live beside the ocean.  i pretend i have a beautiful home and, in my head, as i try to relax and fall asleep, i decorate it in my head.  i sit with him on my glass porch, or my patio overlooking the ocean.

i miss the ocean and those words fall short of the emotions that back them.  i long for the sound.  i crave feeling the wind on my skin.  i wish i could smell the salt.

the reality is i had to leave the ocean.  i moved the day of my Dragon's funeral.  in that place that i go to in my heart to escape my reality, i am still there.  instead of moving away from where my Dragon and i lived, i stay along the edge of the ocean.  it's just over there.  it's just past the Mall where i work.  it's beyond the trees of where i live.  i can hear it on the wind, just behind it, through it.

bad things have happened to me since my Dragon died.  people have hurt my feelings deeply and there are new scars.  medical things have taken a turn for the worse, but i am handling it.  old fears are joined by new worries.  there are storms in my life that keep me on my toes, never relaxing at all.  not for a moment.

and when i am down, or simply when i come back from a very long day at work, i vividly remember his death.  i feel guilt for not being able to save him.  i have to turn off aspirin commercials when there is a couple sitting there holding hands talking about "surviving the widow maker."

  i cry.
i do not feel i have climbed out of where my sudden widowhood tossed me.  i am ambling around down here in this canyon smelling the flowers, sewing lots of things, talking to my Dragon, laying down when i am tired so i can cry and look at the moon.

then the next day i get up and amble forward through my own personal canyon of grief.

as i said, i don't think i'm climbing out or moving away from my Dragon.  i am over his death but i'm not.  i have days where i think of him and i am wistful.  i smile, yes, but it is a melancholy smile.    it is a lonely smile.

when i am back at the apartment, and i look at his urn on the mantle, i still get choked up.  what is left of him, his physical form, the form that i held and kissed and touched, is in there.  that's all that's left of him.  

and i grieve again.
it hits me all over again.

i got this job offer and i called my daughter.  i talked to my son.  both are so very proud and happy for me.  and then i opened the door to my apartment and i told my two dogs.  he was not there to sweep me up and kiss me.  i ate a celebration supper by myself.  and it's going to be like that for the rest of my life.  whatever that life means.

i stay beside the ocean in my head.  it is out there and one day i will actually drive myself over to it, walk along a beach again, walk out into the water and let it wash over me.  i will pick up shells again.  i will feel the breeze, smell the salt, hear the gulls.  i will taste it all with my heart and soul.  and in that sunshine will be his warmth.  in that wind i will hear his voice.  in the water that caresses me, i will feel his touch.  in the freedom beside that ocean i will be free.  i will be with him.  i'll stand in the ocean and close my eyes and he will be with me.

all the variable will be in place.  and for that brief moment i won't be alone.

i'll walk along the edge of the ocean in my head for the rest of my life and feeling close to my Dragon is the reason why.


judemiller1 said...

The very person we want to discuss all of this with, is not here. It is so damn hard and makes the good things, not so very good and the bad things five times as hard. I do not know how I am going to have my surgery without Fred to drive me to the hospital--without Fred to be there holding my hand when I wake up. Sometimes I just want to lay down, close my eyes and die--it would be a whole lot easier. Who wants a future when the very person you need the most is not going to share it with you? I HATE THIS!!!

Anonymous said...

I feel so lost,I lost my soul mate best friend, husband,lover on May 14, 2012, I read your blog and think how much our life's are parallel. He was my life my everything, we went through so much and he was my rock. I miss him so much, I spread most of his ashes at a Lake we use to go to, and around the tree his daughter and I planted (which was something he and I talked about). This hurts so bad, we both had finally found what true love and soul mates were and then it is gone.
I agree with jude "who wants a future when the very person you need the most is not going to share it with you?" I AGREE I HATE THIS!!!!!

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