how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

a thousand ways i miss you ~ finis

a thousand ways i miss you.

you were always there for me as i was always there for you.
i was your shadow; always gazing at you because i found you so handsome.
i adored your stories and hung on your every word.
you asked for absolution for your years of service, and i told you
you were my hero.
you still are.

a thousand ways i miss you.

your back hurt and i gave you gentle massages, and i felt needed.
your feet hurt and i caressed them, and i could see you relax.
your body hurt and i rubbed the tension away so you could sleep.
i took care of you mentally, physically, and spiritually,
and then i lost you.
and i worry that you are safe and happy, and waiting. 

a thousand ways i miss you.

you died and left me here to spend evenings in silence,
mornings wistfully, and long days knowing i can't tell you about them.
you passed away but not gently.  i could not save you.  no one could.
you expired and there was nothing i could do but let you go.

a thousand ways i miss you,
and one question i ask myself, 
but not out loud.

i wonder if you're accepting your death better than i am.


judemiller1 said...

I wonder--would life be easier now if we had never known this kind of love?

abandonedsouls said...

i think we are so very lucky to have known a love that the loss of their physical bodies has made us so very miserable. "rather to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." what would i fill my lonely times with without memories of him?

i wish you peace.

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