how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

end of an era

i made a huge decision tonight.  i did not discuss it with anyone really though my children have been coaxing me to make it.  i made it ~ the decision.

fall is here; as much as it can be here this far south.  not like where i know it so well.
 come September 1st, summer quickly bows out and Fall with a capital 
comes in with wide open arms. it embraces the earth and us with the coolness
and change of color, the pumpkins and the mums, and the anticipation
of the much colder time approaching.
 Fall was always my favorite time.  i aired out the house before shutting my children and i inside for the frigid cold that creeped up.
i took countless photos of the farm stands and the trees, 
the decorations for Halloween and Thanksgiving.
it was a time where i felt brave and alive for reasons that are not important to you or to this blog.

just know that Fall was a time for change; in the seasons, the air, and in me.
 and i made an enormous decision.

i shut down my creative website.
i received another email asking for prices for my quilts and demanding that all of her requests be completed before Christmas.  i wrote that i work a 40 hour a week job and that i have a quilt commission that i am working on at present, that she would have to wait.
i got chewed out.
so i sent her an email stating that i could not do business with her, and blocked her address from emailing me again. 
and then i went and deleted my creative website.
renaissanceartist no longer exists.
i will finish the commission i have and then......
no more.
 i am tired of working so hard for so little.  i set the prices and then, well, add this, add that, and i ask for a bit more money, but i feel guilty and no way do i charge for the labor intensive work that i am asked to do.  hours and hours.
i make mere dimes for each one of my hours of work.
so no more.
i have projects of my own i want to work on that have been sitting there as sketches.

and i have my beloved children for whom i want to leave a legacy for.
i selfishly want to sew for me now.
i work so hard for the money i make.  so far i am breaking even.  not saving but not going hungry.
i made my first car payment and i have some food. 
my rent is paid and i have gas in my new lil Seanaroonie car to get me to work.
i don't need much and i certainly don't need more work and people who do not understand the time it takes to embroider by hand.  

so it's the end of an era.
renaissanceartist has died.  she died from lack of understanding.
she died from overwork.
she died from the loss of being allowed to breathe.
from the ashes is just little Bunny.
me.
mom to two.
wife to........
Dragon.
still.
always.
forever.

the end of an era.
am i a little misty about it?
Bunny will never tell.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

sorry to hear ...but glad for you...sending you strength and big hug. Melissa

Sandy said...

I am glad you did this. You complained about it often and it seemed as though it brought you no joy and only heartaches. I am sure you will miss it, but now you can make things for just your family with love and at your leisure.

Cathy said...

Decisions are hard to make, but sounds like you have made the right one. Take time to sew for you, you deserve it.

judemiller1 said...

Maybe it feels like a relief?

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