how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, October 22, 2012

i hope so........

"i picture Death as being millions of years old but only looking about forty."
~ anonymous 

i've been trying very hard to ignore what i am feeling.  i'm tired.  i think i've been too outside myself of late.  i've given too much of myself away and i am drained.
  
i'm tired.
i would really like to talk to him.  i just want to hear his voice.
i want to hear the love in his voice.
i'd like to see his eyes when he smiles at me.
i'm tired.
i've got stuff going on i wish i could write about but it would be a
"oh, my good Lord, she is complaining again."

i don't want to be thought of as a complainer and yet i think i give that impression here.
but this the only place where i can talk about what hurts.
where else can i go?
i have no one to "complain" to.
is what i do complaining?  i always that that a horrid word.
it was a word that i thought was used as an insult.
complain.
it feels like a person who is not grateful for what they have.
i am grateful.  i am grateful for my little place, my dogs, my children,
and the life i had with him.
and yes, i am scared, lonely, alone, worried, exhausted.
so if i talk about it here, know that here is all i have.
complain?
oh, i hope i do not ever feel stifled by the worry of that word being thrown at my doorstep.
i need the freedom of being able to speak my mind here.

otherwise, i'll really and truly have no place to go.

"the most important thing any of us can do to comfort the grieving is to listen when they want to talk - and to accept their silence if they are unable to speak about their loss." 
~ Susan Jacoby

i work and function at a high level.  i keep thousands of details in my head about what needs to be done, what is coming up, who is doing what, how can i make the store run more smoothly, and then i get a feeling of being so terribly alone in the world.
i wish i could see my children more than i do.
and......
i miss him terribly.  i have my moments when it hurts so badly that i don't think i've made any progress at all.
is there even such a thing as "progress" or am i making progress and don't realize it?
am i being to hard on myself considering how much i love him and how fast he died,
how unexpectedly?

 "love is the only thing that we carry with us when we go...."
~ Louisa May Alcott

{i can hardly wait until Friday, my next day off.  i am going to see my daughter.  won't talk too much about what i feel but i get to be with someone who loves me and cares about what happens to me.}

i'd like to live in bed in a drafty old house.  just a handful of rooms.  kitchen, bathroom, porch, and a big-assed living room that would double as my library/bedroom.  there'd be a fireplace or a wood stove that i could keep going.  i'd hop in and out of bed and work, read, write, and most of all
sleep.

of course there's that money thing.

"i think God has planned the strength and beauty of youth to be physical.  but the strength and beauty of age is spiritual.  we gradually lose the strength and beauty that is temporary so we'll be sure to concentrate on the strength and beauty which is forever."

"hope means to keep living
amid desperation
and to keep humming
in the darkness."
~ Henri Nouwen

i promise i'm not complaining.  i'm just down.  i've been down again for a bit.
i need to go back to the doctor.  diabetes and high blood pressure doing okay.  it's the foot that is hurting.  i am having a hard time walking but walking and standing on my feet all day is all i do.
i think being in pain and only having 1 day a week off now is wearing on me.

and this last quilt i've been working on?  she has added weeks worth of embroidery work to it.
i cried after her phone call.  i want this one to be done.
 but she is a widow and this is her quilt.  she wants what she wants and all i could say was,
"yes."

"the Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
~ Psalm 34:18

i hope so.

6 comments:

Honyb50 said...

You are mimicking the thoughts in my head-and somehow it brings me comfort to think that the thoughts I am having are normal-or what passes for normal. Yesterday I was so lonely-no one calls me and I'm used to it. I cried most of the way from Dallas to OKC. I wonder if I can make it to Topeka today without the tears. I'm so getting tired of the crying. But what do you do with the pain when there is no where to put it?

abandonedsouls said...

it stays inside me. sometimes i try to sew it away. sometimes i try to draw it away. or else, well, i try to write it away. but it never really goes away. so then i sit down and accept it and remind myself that the lovely chance i had to be with him is worth the pain.
i wish you peace and safe travels.

judemiller1 said...

It seems to be getting worse instead of better. I am so tired too.

Anonymous said...

There is no one who knows you or your blog who would even classify your words as complaining. Grief is ongoing and it's a process that never ends. But, you will have times of relief and times of peace. I wish each of you peace and strength during the difficult times.

Cathy said...

You are making progress, it just doesn't feel like it because it is a long process. There is no timeline for grieving, we all deal with it as long as we need to. You are dealing with so many things, on your own, your head is always trying to keep up with it all. Grief is exhausting in itself, add all the other life stuff on top of it, and no wonder you feel like you are making no progress. I feel the same. And yet, I have survived almost 3 years, and dealt with all the bs that has come my way. Keep going, we will both get there, this can't go on forever.

Debbie said...

Hi Susan, hope the day with your daughter was fun. I am on auto pilot in my life. Too busy, grief ever present, my "bucket" running very empty. Glad you had a great visit with your son. Hope your doctor finds a fix for your foot. Praying for peace for all of us. And I love your picture of the headstones!

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