how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

2 deaths ~ 1 old. 1 new.

today it has been 26 years since my father died.

today, Buddy, my humidifier that helps me breathe at night, died.

i am affected by both in similar ways.

1. i felt safe with my father being around.  i felt safe trying to fall asleep with Buddy pumping out warm, misty air for me to suck into my scarred lungs.

2. neither asked much of me.  my father only wanted me to love him and be a good girl.  Buddy only wanted me to clean him out occasionally so his motor could run for me.

3. both gave me a clue that they were on their final days, but, like a fool, i thought i had more time.

4. i got to see my father before he died to say goodbye but i was still at a loss.  i still am.  i feel like i failed my father; like i wasn't good enough as a daughter for him to hang around longer for.  Buddy quit on me this morning and i am at a loss tonight.  i feel like i failed him.  did not not take care of him good enough?  he's no longer able to talk to me.

5. i did not ever get another father.  i will get another humidifier.  {i have to.}

i think i will name my new humidifier after my father.  Johnny.  i have no explanation why that comforts me.

3 comments:

judemiller1 said...

and at night you can talk to your new humidifier, like you did your daddy, and they both will hear and take care of you.

abandonedsouls said...

hi, Judy. thank you.

thelmaz said...

I hope by now Johnny is at your side at night, helping you to sleep peacefully.

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