how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

make me a child again just for tonight

i've been sick with pneumonia.  pretty bad this time.  i had to take off work; use up a paid vacation day.  each time it seems like it brings me down more and more.  takes longer and longer to get over it.  right now, it's been two weeks of coughing, feverish nights, feverish days for that matter, too.  run down.  feeling like i have water in my lungs.  it's nerve racking to be sound asleep and startle awake to gasping for air.

Thanksgiving is coming up.  my daughter and her husband have to drive 2.5 hours away for that day.  i cannot go because i really don't feel up to it.  her husband's side of the family is hosting and they won't be eating until around 7 PM.  i need to be going to bed close to around that time because i need to be up and out of the apartment for Black Friday by 4:30 AM.  it would be too tough, especially feeling as rough as i do.

i'm working on a quilt project on the side for a very old woman.  doing it for free.  going to try and get it put together and quilted before Christmas.  tall order but she's waited most of her life to find someone to do it for "just the right price."  can't get better than free.  {i couldn't charge her.  she's 89 years old.  how could i look into her faded blue eyes filled with such wistful hope that someone would help her put her grandmother's quilt together?}

i lost a "friend."  she just disappeared.  won't respond to explain why.  it makes me feel hollow.  i shouldn't have believed her words.  my fault for being gullible.

backward turn backward o time in your flight
make me a child again just for tonight
mother come back from the echoless shore
take me again into your arms as of yore.

and there were a couple of occasions where she had done that.  she held me while i cried.  i wonder if she knew me now, if we could be friends?  maybe she still wouldn't want me for her daughter, but maybe just a casual friendship?

the idea of someone who cares for you unconditionally - mother, sister, husband........  someone you can talk to about things you would never speak about unless it was to them.

do you ever think of me
do you say my name
if i were 'never there again'
would you 'never be the same?' 

he told me once that he had to die first because he would not be able to live without me?  i would not want to think that he would just die if i had died first but i do wonder if he would have been as miserable?  if what he said was true.  the further i get away from the last time i talked to him, the more i wonder if what i believed about our love was true.  and then i get a feeling.  it washes over me.  a warmth i cannot explain.  it sometimes makes me sleepy and i want to go to bed. 

those nights, after those doubts, that warm feeling wraps itself around me like a flannel blanket.  and i usually have a fairly good night's sleep. 

i'm yawning now.  i've managed to stay up late enough - 8 PM.  i think it will be okay for me to take my last pills tonight, walk the dogs one last time, and then curl up in bed...............
and wait to see if that warm blanket of the memories of what we shared will help me sleep better tonight.

you're all i ever wanted and my arms are open wide


judemiller1 said...

I am so sorry! I sometimes get that warm feeling too--it's nice, but when it isn't there, I feel so exposed. Rest, please rest so you can withstand Black Friday.

abandonedsouls said...

hi, Judy, it's been a good 3 days off here. i am feeling better; not coughing as much. my daughter pointed out that, after having been on antibiotics for 5 days, and to still be coughing, is a sign that i was very ill. these days off were what i needed. Black Friday is coming and with it the pretense that all is well.

i will be thinking of you through tomorrow and all the holidays. i know how hard it is. i wish you peace. thank you for stopping by and commenting.

Anonymous said...

I hear your pain. I am so sorry you are suffering like this. If you'd like to email or talk, anytime, I would be there for you if you'd like.

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