how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, October 7, 2013

say "yes"

so i deleted my previous post.  thank you to those who meant well.
i got a horrendous lengthy comment that made me mad so i close the door what what i said.
i guess grief blogs aren't what they used to be.
going to keep it less personal which i think defeats the purpose of a grief blog.
in the early stages, i would read others and not feel so alone.  they were saying what i was feeling.
but now, well, i will still speak my truth, just not all of it.

slumpy Bunny is back.  things aren't going great.
 i didn't get the manager's job that i've been doing for a month.  "do it for one more month.  we've hired someone to take care of both stores.  instead of paying 2 people larger salaries we're paying one person a salary and a half."
so i'm acting manager for one more month on an assistant manager pay and then i'm back at my store. 
i cried.  my feelings were hurt.
i've workd so hard.
and i'm scared.
my rent is going up.  i can't afford to live here anymore.  the place i moved into 3 days after he died and i can't afford to live here anymore.
i have asked {read almost "begged"} to be allowed to rent a room in my son-in-law's grandmother's house.
i would pay less rent there and would do all the housework, plus all the yard work, plus keep my 40 hour a week job to have money and health care.  my dogs could keep her company while i am at work and i would be her companion when i am "home" and on my days off.  i would take care of her so she can live longer in her own home.  my son-in-law's mother said this is a win-win for them, but she has to ask her brother and sister.  so i am waiting for that conversation and for their approval.
i hope they all agree; that they all think it's a win-win.
and they know me.  my daughter is having their grandson/great grandson.
i hope they say "yes" very soon.
my stomach is in knots over the uncertainty of it all.

if i had enough money i would get me a little cabin type place i think.
and it would house all my books.  like below.
cool photograph, huh?
 and this photo is a blast from a long past blog entry....
the Saracen Tower.
i still think about a place like it.  i could be safe in a place like this.
no one could get me.

i know you're wondering why i think of safety and preventing no one from getting me.
it's a crazy story but simple one.
i've been "gotten to" a lot by some not nice people.
all i want; all i've ever wanted is a quiet life.  peaceful.  i want to breathe.
i want to live out my days in safety....from money trouble and criticism and judgements.
just let me work and go home do what needs to be done to deserve to live in a little home with a nice elderly lady.
i could sit and sew with my dogs and keep her company.
i don't need a Saracen Tower.
i don't need a cabin.
i'd whittle down my life to a little room at the end of a hallway,
in a home where i take care of the housework and yard work.
i'd be so safe in that one little room at the end of the hallway,
and i'd work so hard to make it a happy place and a place of acceptance
for me and the lovely lady who lives there.

fingers crossed.  stomach in turmoil waiting to be approved.

i hope they say "yes" very, very soon.  i'm a nice Bunny who needs a home.
i'm a scared Bunny who needs a little help.  i would work so hard.
all they have to do is say "yes."


ANGEL ABBY said...

I hope you do find the peace you seek.

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