how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014


there is nothing to stop time and life from moving on.
certainly not grief.
life just keeps going.
bills must be paid.
chores must be done.
you just do it while you hurt.

the thing now is to find the smiles,
the tiny things that make the passing of time,
the moving away from the moment of his death,
the realization that my life is forever changed,
those things that make me okay ~ for the time being.

she could be any young mother holding her baby looking out the window.
it could be from any time period.
i took it today while i was over visiting her and my grandson.
she is my baby.  my oldest child.
all grown up.
time passed.
i turned around and she grew up.
she married.
she is now a mother.
the little girl with the long, tangled hair who
loved to wear tutus over her jeans and sang so loudly to our dog
had left me for a time as she did all the adult things of college, work, getting married.
she was as gone as if she walked into the forest to never come back.
but i see her again
as she discovers the magic of being young again.
she sings to her son.
she holds him and cuddles him.
she talks to him about ducks and flowers and ladybugs.
 she sings the songs i used to sing to her and her brother.
she carries him around and doesn't put him down for a nap,
but lets him nap on her,
as i used to do her and her brother.
she says she remembers how i was when she was little
and she wants to do the same thing for her son.
i got teary.
we hugged and she asked me to teach her the words to a song she remembers the tune to but not the words.
so i taught it to her today.
that's what she was singing when i took the photo of them.

time will pass.
the sun will rise and it will set
all without him here.
but he is here with me.
i don't feel him near as in a presence.
i simply acknowledge to my quiet life that i love him.
and always will.

i work a lot and very hard.
but when i am home, i read, sew, and do it all while sitting with my lovely, furry roommates.
this is how we roll.
comfy on the sofa.
snuggle buddies.
 but again i can see the passing of time; that cold, careless, unsympathetic torturer of relationships.

my gentle Scootie Wootums is getting older.  i can see his soft little face getting whiter.
he can't leap like he used to.
he likes to lay in the sunshine so that the warmth seeps into his bones.
 i understand that kind of pain.
i hurt deep in my back.
i hurt deep in my arms, my hands, and my knees are failing.
but i cannot stop working.
i have to provide for myself.

my sweet Carmen Sophia is getting older as well.  she and Scootie are litter mates.
they have only been separated once.
they were sold to different homes as puppies and grieved for each other.
they were returned to the breeder because they refused to eat.
once together again, they were happy.
i was called because i was on the list as a rescuer of dogs, given mostly senior dogs who were abandoned due to age.
so i took them in as puppies and have had the privilege of being in their lives all their lives.
and now, they are both older than i am.
time marches on and it's crushing me to see them get old.
i know what's coming.
so i take pictures.
i have so many pictures over our years together.
i love these dogs like i've loved no other that i have had in my life.
and i have deeply loved all my dogs.
i do not know how i will handle their passing.
but i will have to find a way.

time is not an enemy.  it simply is.
i try every day to appreciate the few who remain in my life.
i adore my Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums.
and i adore my daughter, my son, and my grandson.
time will pass and i will grow old.
but i have them.
and they make time worthwhile.


Judy said...

You have your children and baby and doggies. These all help us to want to stay here, just a bit longer, just to see how they grow. But still......the pain of loss is there, always will be. It may leave for a short time, but when we are alone, it comes back to lean on us once again.

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