how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

change in the air

there are changes in the air for me.  the possibility of chances to do different, be different.
okay, not really be different but to live differently.
i went on a job interview that looks promising.
we'll see.  it's a process.

i am waiting to see if i can transfer to a different store, a store closer to me.

i am going to really try to play a bit of golf here and there.

it's something i really like to do.

and i have the opportunity to move to a different place, a cheaper place.

i'll have to do all this when the time presents itself.
nothing can be hurried.
i want to make the right decision.
i want to make a good decision for myself.
i want to live more simply and try to start saving money.
the apartment is over someone's garage.
and it would be much smaller and considerably cheaper,
and a lot more private.
i'm going to go look at it on Monday evening.
i'm excited about it.

i got to see my son again.
he is working the U.S. Open {he works for the Golf Channel}.
he got me a ticket to get in.
he got a bit of time off to show me around.
he drove us in a golf cart to some exclusive areas that he, by virtue of the Golf Channel,
could get us into.
it was very nice.
he was so proud to be able to do this for me.
i was just so happy to be with him.
i love him beyond words.
he and my daughter are my everything.

my longing for my Dragon is still there though.
it is a quieter longing.
it is a soft whisper when i am alone.
it is the sigh from my lips in a silent room.
the television is off.
the lights are low for sleep.
it is the heavy awareness that he is so far removed my where i am now.
or i am so far from where he was, where we were when he died.
and my heart breaks a little bit more.
i'm fine.  i have some chances here to make my situation a little better,
and i will be grateful and content.
but i still miss him.
i wish he were here to share in this with me.
he's gone.
he died.
and i accept that.
but i worry about him.
{not a crisis of faith, just being human}
i love him very much.
i miss him.
i miss our marriage.
i miss our friendship.
yes, still.

there is a change in the air.
i am hoping and, yes, praying, that things work out for me.
i really need them to.
but wherever i go,
whatever changes take place,
or don't take place,
i still love him and feel married to him.
i'm not looking to make any changes in that area of my life.

summer is here again, my love.
and i still love you. 


Judy said...

I was glued to TV and the Open these last few days. I so wanted Erik Compton to win--because of his story. The changes sound very exciting---and scary--and good--but scary. I pray it will all work out for you. Just remember, wherever you are, Carl is right there with you!!!

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