Easter

it's almost Easter.

my grief has been with me for 6 years now.

i don't know if i can call it grief.

i am not in deep grief.  it has been 6 years.

but i miss him and i call myself widow, not single.

i wear my wedding rings.

is what i feel grief? or have i moved on?

i haven't moved on from him but i have moved on with my life.

i'm not stagnant. i work.  i consider my needs.  i think about my family.

i make plans.  i hope for things like a nice vacation,

pain control of my foot and my arm.

but it is Spring.

it is Easter, almost.

it is a time to reflect and rejoice.

i have so much to be grateful for.

i have these guys.  my roomies.

i love my Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums.

we cuddle, walk, talk; we live together, truly live our lives.

we dance and laugh and watch tv. they wait for me when i am at work and rush home to them.

i love them so very much.

i have my son who is so wonderful.  i am so proud of him.

he has a great job and would do anything for me.

he helped me buy my car.  he got me my new fancy phone.

he calls me once or twice a week.

most of all that is so important to me,

he confides in me.  he tells me things.

he treats me like his mom and not his aging mother.

i love him so very much.

i have these two.  my daughter and grandson.

they bring such joy to my life.

my daughter and i talk 2 - 3 times a day during my work days.

on my days off, we talk more than that.

and i go see her and help her out.

we play with Finn.  we talk and talk as women will do.

she worries about me and i worry about her.

we are kindred spirits 

as well as mother and daughter.

and i have my Sanctuary.

a place of my own.

a place i have made my own.

a place i retreat to and feel safe.

i miss him.  i talk to him.  i talk about him.

am i still grieving?

i truly have no idea what to call it.

i know i have so much to be happy about.

do i wish he were here to be a part of it?

yes.

am i over his death?

i am over the fear and shock.

but i am not over him not being here.

do i deal with it in a healthy way.

i don't know what someone would call this, but this works for me.

i wish everyone a happy Spring.

i wish those who believe a happy Easter.

peace to all who read.  peace and light to all who grieve.

time

there is nothing to stop time and life from moving on.

certainly not grief.

life just keeps going.

bills must be paid.

chores must be done.

you just do it while you hurt.

the thing now is to find the smiles,

the tiny things that make the passing of time,

the moving away from the moment of his death,

the realization that my life is forever changed,

those things that make me okay ~ for the time being.

she could be any young mother holding her baby looking out the window.

it could be from any time period.

i took it today while i was over visiting her and my grandson.

she is my baby.  my oldest child.

all grown up.

time passed.

i turned around and she grew up.

she married.

she is now a mother.

the little girl with the long, tangled hair who

loved to wear tutus over her jeans and sang so loudly to our dog

had left me for a time as she did all the adult things of college, work, getting married.
she was as gone as if she walked into the forest to never come back.

but i see her again

as she discovers the magic of being young again.

she sings to her son.

she holds him and cuddles him.

she talks to him about ducks and flowers and ladybugs.

 she sings the songs i used to sing to her and her brother.

she carries him around and doesn't put him down for a nap,

but lets him nap on her,

as i used to do her and her brother.

she says she remembers how i was when she was little

and she wants to do the same thing for her son.

i got teary.

we hugged and she asked me to teach her the words to a song she remembers the tune to but not the words.

so i taught it to her today.

that's what she was singing when i took the photo of them.

time will pass.

the sun will rise and it will set

all without him here.

but he is here with me.

i don't feel him near as in a presence.

i simply acknowledge to my quiet life that i love him.

and always will.

i work a lot and very hard.

but when i am home, i read, sew, and do it all while sitting with my lovely, furry roommates.

this is how we roll.

comfy on the sofa.

together.

snuggle buddies.

 but again i can see the passing of time; that cold, careless, unsympathetic torturer of relationships.

my gentle Scootie Wootums is getting older.  i can see his soft little face getting whiter.

he can't leap like he used to.

he likes to lay in the sunshine so that the warmth seeps into his bones.

 i understand that kind of pain.

i hurt deep in my back.

i hurt deep in my arms, my hands, and my knees are failing.

but i cannot stop working.

i have to provide for myself.

my sweet Carmen Sophia is getting older as well.  she and Scootie are litter mates.

they have only been separated once.

they were sold to different homes as puppies and grieved for each other.

they were returned to the breeder because they refused to eat.

once together again, they were happy.

i was called because i was on the list as a rescuer of dogs, given mostly senior dogs who were abandoned due to age.

so i took them in as puppies and have had the privilege of being in their lives all their lives.

and now, they are both older than i am.

time marches on and it's crushing me to see them get old.

i know what's coming.

so i take pictures.

i have so many pictures over our years together.

i love these dogs like i've loved no other that i have had in my life.

and i have deeply loved all my dogs.

i do not know how i will handle their passing.

but i will have to find a way.

time is not an enemy.  it simply is.

i try every day to appreciate the few who remain in my life.

i adore my Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums.

and i adore my daughter, my son, and my grandson.

time will pass and i will grow old.

but i have them.

and they make time worthwhile.