how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, March 21, 2015


it's almost Easter.
my grief has been with me for 6 years now.
i don't know if i can call it grief.
i am not in deep grief.  it has been 6 years.
but i miss him and i call myself widow, not single.
i wear my wedding rings.
is what i feel grief? or have i moved on?
i haven't moved on from him but i have moved on with my life.
i'm not stagnant. i work.  i consider my needs.  i think about my family.
i make plans.  i hope for things like a nice vacation,
pain control of my foot and my arm.

but it is Spring.
it is Easter, almost.
it is a time to reflect and rejoice.
i have so much to be grateful for.

i have these guys.  my roomies.
i love my Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums.
we cuddle, walk, talk; we live together, truly live our lives.
we dance and laugh and watch tv. they wait for me when i am at work and rush home to them.

i love them so very much.

i have my son who is so wonderful.  i am so proud of him.
he has a great job and would do anything for me.
he helped me buy my car.  he got me my new fancy phone.
he calls me once or twice a week.
most of all that is so important to me,
he confides in me.  he tells me things.
he treats me like his mom and not his aging mother.
i love him so very much.

i have these two.  my daughter and grandson.
they bring such joy to my life.
my daughter and i talk 2 - 3 times a day during my work days.
on my days off, we talk more than that.
and i go see her and help her out.
we play with Finn.  we talk and talk as women will do.
she worries about me and i worry about her.
we are kindred spirits 
as well as mother and daughter.

and i have my Sanctuary.
a place of my own.
a place i have made my own.
a place i retreat to and feel safe.

i miss him.  i talk to him.  i talk about him.
am i still grieving?
i truly have no idea what to call it.
i know i have so much to be happy about.

do i wish he were here to be a part of it?
am i over his death?
i am over the fear and shock.
but i am not over him not being here.
do i deal with it in a healthy way.
i don't know what someone would call this, but this works for me.

i wish everyone a happy Spring.
i wish those who believe a happy Easter.

peace to all who read.  peace and light to all who grieve.


Jules said...

I once saw an image that said "We grieve with HOPE" I think that's what you're doing now. I'm so glad you have a space that is all yours.

Judy said...

I think you are doing just fine. We never get over the hole in our heart or the void in our life of their essence. I don't think we are meant to and how could we? I like to think they are looking down and checking in, but...I don't really know if that is possible. I believe in Easter so I know, that I know, that I know, we will see them again.

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