the ache that lives inside me

there is an ache that has moved in. it lives inside me now. it will be there until i die.

i have known great pain in my life. i have known terror. i have lived in fear. but i have never had an ache like this. this is the ache of mourning. of grief. of loneliness for only one person. the one person i can never have again in this lifetime.

i say "in this lifetime" because if i did not add that little phrase, i would hyperventilate. i need to see it there. i need to reassure myself that i will see him again. that he is waiting for me....

maybe on the other side of my moon.

i love the moon. all of it's phases. all of the colors it can be. i love the moon. in inconstant moon that is altered and reshaped with the suns capricious whims. inconstant because that is what nature wills. like the death of my Dragon. capricious. what nature willed.

i am missing him so much since Christmas. the downfall of Bunny started with that first cough of that round of pneumonia. and then her birthday, our birthday, hers and mine. then the 2nd year milestone and Valentine's Day ~ the infamous day of hearts for some and funerals for others. and finally the crowning blow. another attack of pneumonia.

Brokedown Bunny. crying a little more these days than before.

the moon, the stars, Bunny and her Dragon. heaven and dragons and bunnies. such an odd companionship. such an odd, odd, image. and yet, for Bunny, for me, the ache that lives in my heart. the pain of searching the moon for a passing shadow of a Dragon. the pain of hoping he is waiting for me, and sometimes, God help me, sometimes being afraid he is not.

the Bun and her Great Sparkly Moon Book. the Bun and her whimsical clothes.

the Bun and her little toy Dragon. if they weren't so cute looking together it could almost make you cry.

the unanswerable

i have been meeting and talking to the Matriarch of Grief and Joy as often as my work schedule allows. trying for once a week, but sometimes it is only once a month. still i am blessed to have the opportunity to talk to her.

i brought it up. i was crying, admitting to missing him. i told her he was wonderful. i listed his qualities: handsome, intelligent, irreverent, kind, sexy, funny, generous, intuitive, ah, we all have the same list. i told her i have not been sleeping. so little sleep these last couple of months. Christmas, New Years, the pneumonia, my birthday, then the 2 year milestone and his funeral anniversary aka Valentine's Day. i am exhausted.

see me above, eyes wide open. so very tired yet sleep eludes me.

the full moon is tomorrow night. my eyes are always on the night sky. and all of it is sitting on my chest. all of it. and so i brought it up at my session. i heard myself say what i knew she would have no answer to.
where is he? will i see him again? does he think about me? what's going to happen to me after i die? will he be waiting? oh, where is he?

i am not asking it as a question of faith even though it really is. i want him back. or i simply want to know if i will see him again. now people will tell me, "of course you will." but we do not know. we will not know until we take that last breath.

i remember his.

i miss him. i miss his smell. i miss his voice. i miss the feeling of him being in the room. i am feeling the weight of his absence. i am feeling down, both emotionally and physically. my only real fun is Bunny. she keeps me entertained. she keeps me feeling creative.

and being creative is all i have, all i am. it defines me.

"womanNshadows? do you know her?"

"yeah, she's the creative one. she writes. she takes pictures. and she sews."

Bunny has her own projects. she has sent off her clone, the Traveling Ambassador. we both keep up with where she is in the world.

her new project is her Great Sparkly Moon Book Project. cleaning out a closet, she found a journal i have not written in yet. she came sashaying in and told me she wanted the book for her moon photos. the "gallery" of moon photos on the wall is getting a little out of hand. they keep reminding us of the passing of time. so we have taken the photos down and gotten others printed at the 6 cent Tuesday at Wolf Camera. now all she has to do is put them in order and put them in their sticky photo corners and put them in the sparkly book.
then she will write in the book all her own private thoughts and poetry. the cover of the book is beaded with stars and the sun and a moon, hence the name of her project: Great Sparkly Moon Book. {like Bunny really needs another project.}

and while she quietly puts photos in sticky photo corners, and then puts them in the pages of the book, we will both be thinking of the unanswerable questions that plague us both.

where is he really? is he happy? is he safe? does he still think of me? will i see him again? will he be waiting for me?

it comes and goes, these questions. most of the time i can ignore my more philosophical side, my deeper thoughts, these unanswerable questions. but there are nights, like when a full moon is near.........