the doctor was wrong, i think. i feel worse and worse. i've woken up crying because i am awake. i feel lost and alone at this time. no plans for the future except to keep my head down and work and scrimp out a living. no dreams big or small except hoping i get time to see my daughter next month, and my son after that. no dreams at all for anything.
when a person stops having hopes and dreams, little plans for a future fun or day off, are they even a real person anymore? i don't know how long these feelings will last, but i guess i have to last.
i wish for a break from this: physical pain {i have a day off next month, doctor visit that day for diabetes, going to talk to him again about this}, loneliness, lack of energy, sleeping too much, worry, stress over money, fear of not having enough to pay my bills, introspection at what it is about me that does not endear myself to anyone....any one person. and the one person who could stand me has died.
i wrote that my brother died, and not one comment, no reaching out, not one, "i'm sorry for the loss." grief again magnified by not being good enough for him and not even a {{hug}}. and in real life? "can you work?" yes, of course. i will work. i am working. i will always work. if i don't show up for work, either my child has died or i have died or a meteor has hit the earth.
i wrote that my brother died, and not one comment, no reaching out, not one, "i'm sorry for the loss." grief again magnified by not being good enough for him and not even a {{hug}}. and in real life? "can you work?" yes, of course. i will work. i am working. i will always work. if i don't show up for work, either my child has died or i have died or a meteor has hit the earth.
maybe if my body didn't hurt so much, physical pain, i could rise above this.
i feel like i am fading away and .......
only my two children will know.
if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear, does it make a sound?
if a person is abandoned, ignored, forgotten, let behind, is she really there?
i hope he remembers me. i hope he still loves me. i think God knows i'm here, if only to see if i need to be punished for being bad. hope slipping away is a little like losing faith.
fading, fading a bit more, maybe not writing anymore, i don't know anymore since i don't plan anything anymore, pulling back and in, not reaching out to get forgotten or dumped as in the past, fading,
fading,
fading away until....
gone.
