how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

fading away

the doctor was wrong, i think.  i feel worse and worse.  i've woken up crying because i am awake.  i feel lost and alone at this time.  no plans for the future except to keep my head down and work and scrimp out a living.  no dreams big or small except hoping i get time to see my daughter next month, and my son after that.  no dreams at all for anything. 

when a person stops having hopes and dreams, little plans for a future fun or day off, are they even a real person anymore?  i don't know how long these feelings will last, but i guess i have to last.

i wish for a break from this:  physical pain {i have a day off next month, doctor visit that day for diabetes, going to talk to him again about this}, loneliness, lack of energy, sleeping too much, worry, stress over money, fear of not having enough to pay my bills, introspection at what it is about me that does not endear myself to anyone....any one person.  and the one person who could stand me has died.

i wrote that my brother died, and not one comment, no reaching out, not one, "i'm sorry for the loss."  grief again magnified by not being good enough for him and not even a {{hug}}.  and in real life?  "can you work?"  yes, of course.  i will work.  i am working.  i will always work.  if i don't show up for work, either my child has died or i have died or a meteor has hit the earth.

maybe if my body didn't hurt so much, physical pain, i could rise above this. 

i feel like i am fading away and .......

only my two children will know.

if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear, does it make a sound?
if a person is abandoned, ignored, forgotten, let behind, is she really there?

i hope he remembers me.  i hope he still loves me.  i think God knows i'm here, if only to see if i need to be punished for being bad.  hope slipping away is a little like losing faith.

fading, fading a bit more, maybe not writing anymore, i don't know anymore since i don't plan anything anymore, pulling back and in, not reaching out to get forgotten or dumped as in the past, fading,

                            fading,

                                                        fading away until....

                                         gone.




6 comments:

Lonesome Dove said...

Please don't fade away!!! We have all been in your place and there will be a flicker of joy or hope or purpose, usually when we think we have sunken as low as we think we can possibly go. I was sad to here of the loss of your brother. That is another hard blow to you I am sure. You are such a kind and gentle soul regardless of how others treat or respond to you. I am not sure why the world preys on the most vulnerable but such is life I suppose. Some of us perhaps are quicker to assume a f*ck you stance, I dont know.
When my mother died, I cried.... Not because I was going to miss her but for the loss of the relationship I worked so hard for and never attained. I came to realize that some people do not possess the ability to love and that is a terrible loss for them and those who did try. I am terribly sorry your brother shut you out but that was him NOT YOU!!!!

I wish we lived closer. I will be your friend regardless and I do care about you. We have tried to do the long distance thing and the miles, grief, and self doubt have not helped to close the distance. But I will not abandon you.

I had a thought, are you eligible for VA benefits? It pains me to see you have to suffer physically when your psyche is already so badly bruised and beaten. I also heard of some doctors who do bartering for theis services. Let me see if I can find more information for you.

HUGS to you my friend. I am still here.

Debbie said...

I didn't comment because we had already "talked" via email but I am also still here. It is easy to feel invisible in our widow worlds; I know I do often. We are all still out here in our own worlds of sadness and grief and exhaustion (and moments of peace, like today, feeling the sun on my face). I do hope that you are able to find someone in your city who can be a reliable friend. I know that I'm looking for that in my world too. It's unfortunate that our worlds are so physically far apart. I'm still here.

abandonedsouls said...

a 13 hour day. so very long. i am exhausted and worn out and worried about so many things. but i did come back to see if anyone had stopped by. thank you both so much. i appreciate the words. sometimes, we just need the words, to see them. sometimes we just need more than a little reassurance than we matter somehow, someway; and that we will be missed should we not return.

Anonymous said...

I feel as you do, that no one will miss me anymore. I, too, have a son and a daughter, one lives nearby, one lives in Vietnam. If not for them, I would not go on. I know where you are at, I am there too. I try and try to go on, but each day brings more challenges that I don't think I can face alone. This is no kind of life to live anymore, I just want it to be like it was...but I know it cannot be. My worries are the same as yours, and I am tired of it day after day. How to go on? I don't know that answer anymore.

judemiller1 said...

I feel this way all the time. Didn't comment because I rarely even read my favorite blogs anymore. Nothing--life is nothing!

Split-Second Single Father said...

I am so sorry you are going through this again Friend. I have not been good about reading my favorites either lately, but have actually stopped by tonight to link a post to your site. By the time you read this, the post should be up. I hope my reason for the link will bring a smile to your face. Hang in there, Friend.

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